Autumn

Its a long time coming...

For the past five months I feel like I have been living in a fog. I operate mechanically without much thought or effort placed into my day. I go to work, struggle to maintain and sustain, then go home and eat, gym, and go to sleep.

My entire 20-something adulthood has been lived in the motto "the grass isnt always greener on the other side" yet I continually hop from one lawn to the next because from where I'm standing, that grass over there IS greener. I heard a saying from an old friend, "I live in the anticipation of the next best thing that when it comes, I can't enjoy it because I'm now anticipating what will come next and how to prepare for it". Is this something that is typical for being in your 20s? Personally, how will I ever know that my decisions are the right ones for my future?

I feel like I have been living in haze the past five months because of this weird country. I hate to sound like an "arrogant American" especially since I dont fully agree with the American way, but there is something comforting about knowing that the US has a checks and balances system for its social service district. The con is that a majority of the agencies I want to work for are non-profit so there isn't much money to be made; but the pro is that ever year, they must prove that their service is making a difference to the community in order to secure more funding. Doing social work for a Borough in London can feel pretty useless. I really don't feel like I am making a difference in anyone's life, in this society, in the children. I know as a social worker we are not supposed to work for instant gratification... our hard work may pay off years later... we are simply planting the seeds so that someone else can come and water it...however, I dont even feel like I'm planting any seeds which makes me feel useless as a social worker.

A typical person with a typical job has two identities: who they are at work, and who they are outside of work. He or she may work long hours but its usually to meet deadlines or for overtime pay. The helping profession is a bit different from a typical profession. As a social worker, I am ALWAYS on. I innately have a desire to heal, to reach a person's core, to help a person realize their potential... working in a "job" that doesn't allow me to use my skills as a helper is taking a toll on who I am as an individual. I walk around in a haze because I dont feel like I am doing anything consructive in London other than partying and travelling. When a person has lost its purpose in life, she has lost her vision for what life is really all about.

So, I cant help go back and forth between both sides of the fence, both sides of the "ocean". I can't help but always search for bigger and better, I just hope that when I attain it I can learn to stop and smell the roses (very cliche' saying I know).

I can only pray that I have been placed here for a purpose and the anxiety I feel about my life will soon cease.

The good, the bad, the ugly

My soror e-mailed me requesting me to let her know what I have found beneficial about living and working in the UK for a scholarship essay she is applying for to study in the UK. I thought it would be proper to post it here for anyone else curious. This is my email reply to her so please excuse any grammer.



That is such a hard question to answer because there are times that I ask myself that same question, why am I here? A lot of bad things have happened to me while I've been here: personally, professionally, financially. However, what I can say as being the best thing about living and working in the UK is that I have been removed from every familiar element from the last 26 yearsof my life, dropped in an island that might as well be speaking a different language, not know a single soul, and expect to fend for myself. The only good thing that can come out of that is some major soul searching, major humbling experiences, and being forced to do things I have never done in my entire life.

I wanted to move here after I studied abroad in 2005. That was a fantasy life b/c FSU's dorm is in Russell Square, basically the CENTER of London. NO ONE lives there that isnt rolling in family money so my perception of London was absolutely skewed. I thought, wow, what an amazing city!
Jump to 2009, I am actualyl living a part of London where "normal" folks reside, I have a real job, taxes being taken out.... the only way to SEE a country is to work in that country. Live where the people live, walk their shoes, shop where they shop. Working in the UK has taught me that America really is the top dog. Every single action I do here, I have to THINK.... Ok I'm at the cross walk, which way do i look? Ok, at the supermarket.. what do I buy? All these brands are forgeign to me. I'm ready to cook. Shit is in celsius. The measuring cups are in metric. Ok.. im going shopping, whats my size? Met some brits.. what the heck does that slang mean? Where do I go for this, for that? Damn everythign closes at 6pm in London and I just got my period and I live alone, now what? I came home from work and my front door is wide open and my place is trashed and all my electronics are gone.. what is the police number? Ok I got it, but they cant come till tomorrow??? Ok. they are here, now what? I cant carry a gun? I cant carry a knife? Really?? I'm stranded in central london, the train stations are closed till 6:30am and I only know 2 people with a car and one of them is not answering. What do I do? How do I get home?

Working in the UK is nothing special, its just like any job you would have back home. To answer your question, what have I found beneficial about living in another country? I've found that I'm not as strong as I thought I was. I only have myself to rely on. I have to be my own cheerleader when I find myself being my own worst enemy. I have to learn to trust complete strangers in order for them to become friends. After 2 bachelors, 1 masters degree, and plenty of work and life experience, none of that taught me how to become and adult because I always had a safety net. I had my family, friends, my car, even my familiar cities in Florida to catch me if I fell. Here, I have to pick my own ass up when I fall, dust it off, and keep on going.

On top of that, I have seen Tower Bridge, Buckingham Palace, Windsor Castle, the Stoneheges, the Roman Baths, Barcelona, next Prague. I have met and conversed with Italians, Swiss, Irish, Pakistans, French. I've seen Wicked, Mama Mia, the Lion King, Thriller Live. I was on a bridge in London at 2am, watching the skyline light up, one by one. I've shopped at Camden Market, Portobello Market, Brick Lane. I've seen in person paintings by Van Gogh, Picasso, Da Vinci. I've eaten the best Indian food of my life. I have a nice group of friends that I enjoy going out with and getting to know that I may not ordinarily have come across in Florida. I've seen and done so much in the short 4 months of being here that granted, life sucks at times, but life sucks at times while being in London.

Mama Mia

The nerve of a parent to decide they no longer wish to be parents! How, as a human being, do you have the audacity to change the locks on your child and inform social services you are through with him because he stole from you? Are you saying that money is worth more to you than the sanctuary of a child's LIFE? Where do you get off collecting benefits for having him, then not wanting to care for him? I'm sure you are the same type of woman that will sit there with your friends sipping tea and eating bisquits talking about how abortion is morally wrong, how the government sucks, how your children are the death of you. Getting an abortion inutero is no different than throwing your child into the streets before he is even old enough to drive a car. Your killing him. YOU are the one that is sending him straight to the drug dealers house for some goods to sell. YOU are the one that will scar him so bad he won't ever be able to form a healthy relationship with a woman, much less know how to be a father. As a woman, how can you sit there and calmly speak in the phone and tell me you are done with him and you dont care if you go to jail for it. Are you really picking prosecution for abandoning your child rather than family counseling to regroup? Who are you?? How can you call yourself a "good christian woman"?? I feel sorry for him to have a horrible woman has a mother because you obviously don't care about anything but yourself. I am embarassed that you are a mother, a woman, a minority woman at that. Children are not like old shoes. You can throw them away because they dont fit your style anymore, because they are cramping who you want to be. This is YOUR child, fuck, this is A child.

Unconditional love is the ONLY thing a child needs to make it in this world. If you can't give this to your own flesh and blood, you dont even deserve the title of MOTHER, you are simply put, a baby mamma.

Welcome Back

Its been a long time coming, I know.
There are many reasons why I havent graced this blog with my words for awhile. I've found that the easiest times for me to write is when I'm in love and when I feel there has been injustice towards others. Anything inbetween gets locked away in my mind to fester away while I go on with my business, trying to ignore the thoughts racing in my mind, hoping they will go away.

What has been going? Why did I stop writing?

It started with getting burglarized. I dont like to be or feel attached, especially to material items but I was highly attached to my laptop for more reasons than it was expensive. The departure of my laptop took with it what makes me me. My grad school papers, my music, my writings. WOW. I just remembered. I have so many poems and personal writings on that laptop. A piece of me was robbed along with my possessions and I went into a place of not really caring anymore. I stopped caring about my work, my personal life, myself. It took a lot in me to not pack up my bags and say F-U to Croydon and there backwards way of doing things.

Professionally, I stopped writing because things on this floor have calmed down substantially. A new group manager was hired for the sole purpose of turning things around in which she has done a fabulous job in doing so. I now feel safe working here, I feel that there is someone that actually cares about the decisions that we make and is genuinely a good manager. When things are going well there just isnt much to write, but, I will do a better job, professionally, in updating my blog in what I am learning here. One of my reasons for coming to London to begin with is to really learn the ins and outs of child welfare in this country, go back to the States and see about doing my PhD in child welfare, comparing and contrasting the States ways of doing things versus UK's ways, taking the good and bad of each one and submitting proposals to the States on how these agencies should be run for an effective and manageable agency. Sometimes I worry that being here might actually harm me professionally because they are so ass backwards in their ways. I was given a book to read on parenting assessments and the research behind it. In the States, any research older than 10 years is basically thrown out. Here? These books that have been published within the last 5 years still quote research done before I was even born. I worry that I will be re-trained to think like the British then go back to the States and not be up to date on research and findings. I may have to read these old books to understand where the UK social workers are coming from, concurrently with reading American research. But who's right? Why do I think that the American way is the right way just because I'm used to it ?


And my last reason for taking so long to update my blog is that I can only do it at work, which means I get interrupted 50 million times while writing one paragraph. SO I must end here because its 1pm and time for lunch.

Ill be back, I promise.

ET come home.

When things are unsettled at home, expect for your life to follow right behind it. I've learned that its nearly impossible to carry on a functional day if the home life isn't right. Aside from sightseeing in London, my days working in Croydon have been unbearable. Granted, I dont have any cases yet but the atmoshphere on this floor is thick from the moment the elevator doors open. For some strange reason I have the tendency to work in environments that are chaotic, and not on the clientele level but on a professional level. At Childrens Home Society supervisors lost touch on the amount of work and pressure on the case workers; in Apalachee the Detox unit was the ugly stepchild of the ward; with Florida Therapy Services having Medicaid be my employer was like doing community service hours for the devil; at Refuge House, I was the only Domestic Violence counselor and had about 40 women I counseled which limited the time I can see each one. Here at Croydon Council, I get the eyebrows raised, lips tighten, pity look from other departments when I hear Im in Assessments. It had only been 3 weeks and I absolutely dreaded going to work in the mornings-- and I hadn't even been given a caseload yet. Why was it so terrible? Its a shame to have essentially 85% of the social workers here warn me about management, see social workers in tears leaving a supervision meeting b/c of the degradation she just endured, hearing managers not support their social workers when a parent threatens to go to the media [media and papparazzi are HUGH in the UK and they will chew you up and spit you out quicker than when tasting anchovies for the first time]. One thing I HATE more than anthing in the world are people that are unjust [fits my field huh? I spent my entire adolescence fighting for my rights as a teenager to spend my entire adulthood fighting for the rights of others].

My mind was unsettled because even after work, I went home to a flat that wasnt' really "mine", and still living out of a suitcase. My routine back in Tally was work, dinner, gym, shower, watch tv, talk to the boys [my roomates] and go to sleep. Here in Croydon... its been work, dinner....then nothing...everything here closes at 5pm so I cant window shop or go to the mall [yes even the mall closes at 5pm] The streets are deserted by 6ish and since I dont know the area that well I just dont think its safe to even go for a walk when there are no other souls on the streets.

Finally, finally finally, I moved into MY flat on Wednesday [the one I mentioned previously] and miracously, I woke up on Thursday refreshed, a big smile on my face, and ready to take on the bullshit world of Assessments. Since moving in I have felt rested and ready. Today I was assigned 3 cases to work on and now that my home life is settled, I feel ready and prepared to tackle the many crisis my families think they can't handle on their own.

If you feel your life is unsettled, go home and see whats going on. Home is where the heart is and if your home is not feeling right, neither will your heart.

Terrible Twos

I see the face of innocence and know that this is why I'm here
I hear the anguish in carer's voice and realize that my presence is needed.
I forgot for a minute about the important things in life
Life is not meant to be easy
Life of a social worker was never guaranteed to be fair
I may not have asked for this calling but I chose this path that I'm on
And I chose this career that led me to this living room
The sadness that it is when a 2 year old has lived 2 years of hell
Is a reminder that I must be grateful for all that I have been given and all the love that I felt in my life
My purpose is not to bitch about management, my purpose is the feeling I feel when I look into the eyes of innocence and see nothing but pain.

Breathing Excercises

The best way to describe the differences between child welfare in the UK vs US is this: Our pros are their cons, and their cons are our pros.

I have been thrown in a department where cohesiveness and common sense are as foreign to them as to words chav and bloke are to americans. [BTW: Chav- a hoe, Bloke: a man]. As mentioned in my previous blog, there is only 1 manager with a permanent position and the rest are locum. Since they come and go as they please, they really dont have a sense of commitment or responsibility for the welfare of their team.

I am putting that aside however because granted, no social service agency is perfect, especially when it comes to management. The front line workers will always feel like management has no clue, and management will always feel like the front line workers have no clue. It is what it is.

What is alarming to me however, is how high the threshold for abuse is in this country. In the states, if I felt like a child was in immediate danger all I had to do was make a phone call to my supervisor, the attorney, and thats it. The child comes with me. Here? HELL NO. We leave the child in the home, try to persuade the manager to allow us to get a court date, get a court date that is weeks away, and ask permission to the parents if we can take their child in custody. Yes. You read it. We have to ASK THE PARENTS for every and anything. If they dont feel like they can benefit from our services, case closed. My jaw fell to the floor and shattered in pieces when I realized that everything here is about parental consent. I cannot speak, do, touch, see, hear, smell, feel nothing without the consent of the parent. As someone else said it, "we are their professional secretary." Its a croc of shit.

Now, there isnt much I can do about changing the law. As I said before, it is what it is. The reason that Croydon is like this is because there is such a large transient population that they kind of have to raise the threshold b/c if not, we'd have SO MANY children in care. We need to take cultural differences in mind when it comes to corporal punishment.

Put aside the management, put aside the law, the Assessments team is still in disarray. As I reviewed charts I kept reading assessments that made absolutely no sense for the safety and concern of the child. There are are blatant obvious reasons why a child is misbehaving but they havent seemed to make that connection. For example, Ill see two sentences in an assessment that goes like this: "The mother's new boyfriend is said to be physically and mentally abusive to the child. The child has been misbehaving in school and frequently runs away from home. The child states he doesnt not want to go home because his mother does not love him. The mother request for his behavior to improve otherwise she will place him in care" ..........

Let me take a real deep breath here because if I read one more assessment that has that kind of stupidity attached to it, I'm going to scream. It does not take a degree in SW to figure out WHY this child is misbehaving. Yet, the case plans all revolve around making the life for the parents easier. Lets diagnosis this child with antisocial behavior [the UK version of Oppositional Defiant Disorder]. Lets call the police on him when he doesnt come home. Lets put him in counselor. How about we open our eyes and use our common sense in figuring out that this boy doesnt want to go home because his mom's boyfriend is beating him. How about you take your own words and do something with it! I have read so many files that sound like the above and it seems like the obvious deduction of the child's behavior just goes over their heads because we cant piss the parents off. If the parents dont like our assesssment, time to rewrite it!

Another deep breath.


I have so much more to write but I'm starting to feel my blood boil right about now so Ill just save that for another day.

Organized Chaos

Introduction to Social Work is a class undergrad level students must take if they have any desires to continue in the tract of social work, at least at Florida State. In this class, we learned about the history and theories of social work and its home base being the United Kingdom and Europe area. With this basic knowledge, I was under the assumption that practicing this field in the UK would be much more advanced in its ideals and theories than the United States.

Give me a minute while I laugh my head off.

I feel like I have stepped into a time machine and went back 20 years. These people here have NO ORGANIZATION or any clue how to run a child welfare agency. As much as I bitch and complain about Florida's DCF and child protective service agencies, I must say that they know exactly what they are doing to keep children safe. Granted, its only because they need to secure more state funding, grants, and private donors, but at least there is some kind of organization and checks and balances in the system.

First example: In Florida, Child Protective Investigations is just one position. Someone in this position would receive a referral, go to the home in either 24-48 hours, conduct interviews, obtain collaterals, staff with their supervisor and/or attorney, then make a necessary outcome: close the case, transfer to protective services while remaining in the home, or transfer to protective services while [whilst as its stated here] removing the child.

In Croydon? There is a duty officer that makes the intial investigation. There was a time that they could do the investigation over the phone [HOW SO???] but now they are forced to actually go SEE the child and inteview the parents/school teachers/guidance counselors. If they feel they need an assessment, it goes to Child in Need [my team]. We [I] will have 7 days to do an assessment. If I feel like services need to be in place, I'll transfer it to another team that will provide the services. Seeing that I've done DCF in Florida, I can somewhat appreciate the division of responsibilities, but this also causes disorganization and is frankly a waste of time. There is a backlog of cases dating back to... OCTOBER! Yes, OCTOBER. Calls that have come in from October have yet to be investigated. The problem is that the retention in the Croydon staff is extremely hard, primarily because they have staff that are "Locum" which means that they are not permanent Croydon Council staff, but contracted agency staff that can pick up and leave whenever they want. In my team, only the Americans [2 from my group, 3 from the March hires,] 1 South African hire, and 1 supervisor are permanent staff. The rest of the supervisors [called Line Managers] and staff are Locum, which results in turnover to be extremely high.

Throughout the day the other American social workers from the March hire group came in to the office and gave us the nitty-gritty on what it will be like. This is not America, they said. Get that idea out of your head. You're say really won't matter too much because all you are doing is assessing the case, and passing it on to whomever will provide the services. Frankly, this is the reason WHY I chose assessments. I love my profession, I love children, I have an advocacy voice when it comes to abused children, but I cannot take my work home with me [mentally] and I want to leave at 5pm like any normal adult does. This specific team will allow me to do so in that once 5pm hits, I AM DONE.

This afternoon I sat in on a Refocus and Reform group where restructing of Croydon Council was discuss. They are very open to hearing how its done in America and I recommened that they ask us Americans to bring our organizational chart that we use to compare to the drafted organizational chart they are trying to create. I am pleased that she was very open and interested [and genuinely interested] in seeing how its done. She planned a meeting for Friday to speak with us Americans to get our feedback on what she presented and what we are used to back in the States.

Personally, it does not freak me out that there is so much disorganization. My way of thinking is that this is just an means to an end. This is my job, not my life, and I came here to Travel and enjoy the fruit of my labor as much as possible. In the meantime, if I can change and improve the structure of this council, so be it. If I cant, hey, I will at least have tried. Given the fact that all the managers are locum, it was said that once our 6 month probabtionary period is up and if we feel confident enough, we can apply for a manager position. I am not one to stay in a bottom position for too long and I will only stay with an agency long term if I can continue moving up the ranks. I am very pleased that I chose this team, despite the looks of the locals when I stated I am in assessments [the OH CRAP PLEASE DONT QUIT look].

Everything in life is about overcoming challenges and I am not one to back down on a challenge.

You Complete Me

"When you find the flat that is yours, it will feel like home." This morning I met up with an Italian guy that had a spare room in his house for share. He owns the home but rents out each bedroom and lives elsewhere. So far, there are three other girls sharing the house with one bathroom. Skeptical at first, not really wanting to live like I did in the dorms again but I gave it a chance. I had quickly changed my flat criteria from a 2 bedroom or a large one bedroom to a flatshare so I can enjoy the fruits of my works, have funds to travel and buy pretty things. Its a sacrifice I'm going to have to make but I'd rather be in cramped quarters which will force me to be out and about then living in a large 2 bedroom where I'm comfortable just staying at home.. because I know thats what will happen given my personality.. and given the fact that I'd spent a majority of my pay on my flat.

Mr. Italian man met me on the corner of the train station on his "scooter"... in my mind I imagined an actual scooter I see in the states.. no sir.. this was a motorcycle. He first gave me directions to get to the house and shook his said and said "just get on and we'll go together." Ummmmmm ...... hmmmm.... should I? He saw my hesitation and asked if I had ever riden a 'scooter' before.. I told him no. He asked where I was from, I repied Miami. "and you've never been on a scooter??'. I told him Miami is hot and we like AC cars. He flashed me his smile and said, "dont worry I wont let you scrape the ground." LOL ok.. so I hopped on and off we rode. WHAT A FEELING! My hair was blowing with the wind [thankfully, blowing away from my face], he was chatting up a storm, looking at ME while swerving in and out of lanes. It was such an exhilirating feeling. My next thought: I NEED A MOTORCYCLE!!!! LOL. Freedom and speed are my vices and I just found something that fulfilled both.

He showed me around the house which was nice. It wasnt a wow factor by any means but he definitely kept it up and the girls in the house did their share of cleaning and maintaining the garden. We went up to the second floor where he showed me the room I would be renting. Once again, it was nice, nothing too out of the ordinary. After a couple of minutes of talking he said he was working on a studio on the top floor. My eyes lit up and I asked to see it. We walked up the circular flight of stairs.. he opened the door... and I was home. The studio is GORGEOUS. Wooden floors, flat screen TV, DVD player, private bath, modern kitchen, open windown on the slanted roof, japanese style queen bed.... absolutely beautiful. As I was talking I looked out the window from the kitchen and saw St. Mary Magadelene Catholic Church. I had been looking for the church since I got here and always got lost. I told him I wanted this flat, not to post it up anywhere because it is mine. He gave me his kind smile, said he'll see what he can do and told me he like my "aura" and "presence" and would love to rent it to me. Im sure he was just flirting but WHO CARES!! He did the whole studio himself which is very very very impressive. As I left his house I walked into the church and wouldn't you know, mass was in progress. The choir was singing Ave Maria which is one of those songs that gives me goosebumps every time I hear it. I felt at peace. There is no better feeling than the feeling of being Home. Every since I arrived in England, I have felt at home and felt a sense of completenes. I have truly succeeded in life.

You're such a bitch

There once was a time that I had a filter in my mouth. Only good came out, negative stayed in. As I grew older both personally and professionally I have learned that only giving people good advice was cutting it short. To me, people do need to hear accolades when its due, but they also need to hear their shortfallings to avoid living a fake life. I dont necesarily know when this blunt-ness started in me. Maybe it was that crappy relationship.. maybe its from being a social worker.. I dont know. One of the things we social workers learn in graduate school is to never give advice to our clients; help them find their own way to awareness so it empowers them and strengthens them. What I have found is that since I spend all day biting my tounge, as soon as that work day is done I spend the rest of the day not holding anything back. If I really like you, I tell you all the time. If I think you are being an ass, I'll tell you. If I find a discrepency in your story, Ill point it out. If I know your lying and I can prove it, I will. I can't really control it until its out of my mouth and then I feel extremely guilty because I know I went too far. I dont know if I have burned any bridges in my friendships because people will never really tell me [or anyone for that matter I think] if something that was done hurt their feelings, even if I ask and I know I have. To be polite, they just say no everything is fine. But, isnt that impolite in itself? I think I may be too rash and blunt, but no one really tells me if what I said hurt them to know for a fact. Why is being honest, both with how much we love or like a person, to how much we hurt them or they hurt us something that humans just dont do anymore?

Resurrection

I've been sitting in front of my laptop for about 5 minutes wondering how I will star this blog...I should feel excited and nervous right? After all, I'm leaving everything familiar and moving to the unfamiliar. I'm starting from scratch from my friendships down to electronics.

I am comparing this departure to my last major departure: college. I was fine and dandy the entire time until the very last second when my family left my dorm and my little sister was balling. This time around, that little sister is in school, as we speak, taking an AP exam that last four hours.. Needless to say she won't be at the airport. Curse the brains of this family. Its both a gift and an inconvenience at times.

Excited? A very small somewhat on that one. I need to stay focused.. don't want to lose or miss something because my excitement has taken over the rationale part of my brain. Excitement is good, dont get me wrong. But excitement is emotions. I need to leave the emotions at the door and stay focused. I need to focus my energies on finding a permanent home, remembering all my co-workers names and titles, learning UK child welfare laws, being comfortable at my new job, and finally making my flat into a cozy home. Once I have all that down, then I will be excited. I am giving myself a month. I adapt very quickly, I am very resilient, and I learn a new job extremely fast so a month to adapt to my job and surroundings should suffice.

Am I nervous? I'm not nervous in the sense of how will they see me, but I'm nervous in that until everything is second nature to me, I will feel like I am not doing it right.

Today is the day where I will finally be on that plane going to London. This journey has been an extremely difficult process. I am so thankful to everyone that has helped me along the way. From my family that has helped with words and finances, to my sorors that have helped by getting me drunk and partying it up when I was feeling depressed about it.

Find me on skype: elenas310@yahoo.com
I'm also on twitter: wwww.twitter.com/elenas310

Until next time...

Internal Instincts

Sometimes I feel like my clients take me for a fool. Yes, I do not fall within their age bracket. Yes, my family life may not have been as horrendous as theirs. But I feel that I can use my common sense, education, and work and personal experience to filter out the bullshit and get to the root of the problem. I have two types of counseling "hats". The first are for clients that are still in denial. Denial is NOT a bad thing. Denial is a protective factor and is needed for people that would have a nervous breakdown if that denial mask was taken away. For my clients in denial, I very cautiously and carefully get their life story, their current problems, how they are coping. If this is the first time they have told their story, I might slowly take away one layer of denial, but i wont shatter their fantasy existence by saying "HEY IDIOT he's beating you" or "HELLO you are an addict, admit it". Of course this is what I say internally, not something I would EVER say outloud.

My next counseling cap is the straightforward-ness. I only use this after I've had a client for awhile I know this is what they need. I may also use this if I feel like this person may not come back. For example, a woman who doesnt see the big deal that her bf put a gun to her head may need me to be straightforward with her. She may need that denial mask ripped off immediately because her life is at stake.

What also baffles me are "normal" people. By "normal" people I mean people that are NOT my clients. They think that what I do for a living turns off once I leave work. I'm sorry to say, but I am a social worker 24/7 a week. There was a point that I hated this and I wanted to leave it at work, but i've learned to leave my CLIENTS at work, but unfortunately, my intuition and social worker eye will always be on. I see a woman with bruises. I know its defense bruises. I know what finger print bruises look like. I know what a slap in the back bruise looks like. I know what a "Clumsy bruise" looks like [coming from an expert in clumsiness]. Please dont sit there and tell me you are having problems with your man, and I ask you about bruises, and you stutter and stammer and tell me you are just clumsy. Get off it. But, I wont take off her denial hat. She may need it. I won't ever take someone's "Ah-Ha" moment away from them. The "ah-ha" moment is the moment your denial cap comes off and you see your relationship for what it is. You see your addiction for what it is. You see the mess that your life has been in for what it is. My job is not to give my client's their "ah-ha" moment, but to help them get there and to help them not loose too much of themselves in the process.

Knightly In Graphic Domestic Violence PSA

[I cant bring myself to watch this video yet but eventually I will]



http://www.news4jax.com/entertainment/19085893/detail.html/

Knightly In Graphic Domestic Violence PSA
Actress Speaks Up For U.K. Women's Aid Group

POSTED: Friday, April 3, 2009
UPDATED: 12:08 pm EDT April 3, 2009

British actress Keira Knightly is taking on domestic violence at home by participating in a graphic public service announcement.

The PSA, titled "Cut," is posted online (warning: violent content) and is playing on television and in theaters in the U.K. At the beginning of the two-minute film, Knightly appears as an actress who returns home to her apartment to find a blood-stained apartment with a shattered mirror.

A male co-star then appears with a bloodied hand, and just as Knightly looks into the camera and says, "Sorry, we didn't agree to that -- it wasn't in the script," he strikes her to the ground. The actor then proceeds to grab her by the hair and kick her in the stomach several times.

As the camera pulls back to reveal a movie set, the words appear on the screen, "Isn't it time someone called cut?"

The PSA was produced by the U.K. anti-domestic violence group Women's Aid.

"I wanted to take part in this advert for Women's Aid because while domestic violence exists in every section of society, we rarely hear about it," Knightly said in a statement on the group's site. "We may not think we know someone who has experienced domestic violence, but this does not mean that it is not happening. Domestic violence affects one in four women at some point in their lifetime and kills two women every week. Without the services provided by Women's Aid, many more women could be at risk of being killed, yet without donations the charity may not exist this time next year."

The 24-year-old actress also asks for donations to the group "to help save lives."

Knightly has starred in all three "Pirates of the Caribbean" films and the Best Picture nominee "Atonement." She also was nominated for a Best Actress Oscar for "Pride & Prejudice."

"Cut" was directed by "Atonement" and "Pride & Prejudice" filmmaker Joe Wright.

Women's Aid is a national domestic violence charity that co-ordinates and supports an England-wide network of over 500 local services working to end domestic violence against women and children.

Distributed by Internet Broadcasting. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.

http://www.cutmovie.co.uk/index_2.html

Mi Vida Loca

Yesterday morning I got a confirmation e-mail from my contacts abroad to begin making arrangements to arrive in London May 5th-6th. That date has always been on my mind, but it didn't dawn on me until I looked at my calendar that its four weeks away!! I am excited about being there, but then my mind went 5000 miles a minute: my car, my bills, selling my furniture, what should I keep, what should I sell, what should I throw away? Who should I tell, do I tell my family yet? What will they say? I told some friends. When should I give my notice at work? Is this a right decision? What about housing, I want to take my spices [have about 50 cooking spices but maybe I shouldnt] ahhh its so overwhelming, and exciting.

All I know is that I am ready to begin my life in London. I will still be a social worker, specifically in child welfare. My responsibility is the equivilant of child protective investigations in the states which is what I preferred. In and out in 45 days or less. No harboring families for months and years hoping they will change. No more let downs. No attachments. No ON CALL!!!!! They have a separate program that does on call which is beautiful. Once I leave work at 5pm, I am DONE.

My work permit is set for 3 years, with the option of re-applying when my contract ends. Of everyone I have met on community boards and chat rooms, all the Americans stayed and have been there for over 20 years. I can definitely see myself as a Briton. Living a lifestyle where my position is revered, there is culture, diversity, something diffrent to do everyday, easy chance of travel. I learned about myself that I crave consistency in a person, but need diversity in my life.

I am ready for this change. I feel like my Life in Europe will by my ADULT life and I am ready to put my college years behind me.

Peace of Mind

This is a great song that explains how a domestic violence relationship can make a person feel, its after effects, and the joy it is to have a loving man in your life. Please listen to the lyrics.

Dominican/Peruvian/American/Briton

In case anyone wonders why I want to live in the UK


- social reasons: it's a multi-cultural society, highly tolerant of all lifestyles and has low rates of crime.


- employment factors: low unemployment rate (still under 5%), high job turnover rate creating opportunities, typical work week of 35 hours, generous leave, statutory maternity and paternity benefits, 12 public holidays and good salaries.


- economic criteria: 4th largest economy, a strong currency, low inflation (3%), the world's most even distribution of wealth and surprisingly low taxes.


- cultural wants: cultural and historical activities and sites galore; international travel is cheap and easy.


- education needs: sophisticated world-leading education facilities; world famous universities; free state schools attended by over 90% of school-age children with the balance attending private schools.


- healthcare concerns: world-class free healthcare system available to all.


- welfare: a large welfare system to help you out if one of life's disasters befalls you.

Cry me a river

Sadness can take over and make a person forget about all the greatness that this world has to offer. If you think about it, the thing you are most sad about is usually the thing that is lacking the most in your life. For example, I know people that have the same degree of sadness but one person's reason is getting reprimanded at work, and the other person's reason is feeling underappreciated in a relationship. Person A [reprimand at work] may be more sensitive to this than to love because maybe his father was always telling him he wasn't good enough but his mother did damage control by loving him extra. He may become a workaholic not because he wants to make money, but because he overanalyzes every aspect of his duties and spends way too much time on one task to make sure its perfect. Person B [feeling underappreciated in a relationship] may be used to her parents telling her and showing her that they love her, but their attention may have been devoted to another sibling that was of special needs or was a trouble maker.

Sadness is emotionally and physically draining. But please, do not confuse sadness with depression. Sadness is caused by a known reason and its temporary. Its not a chemical imbalance. Depression on the other hand, is characterized by prolonged sadness for no known reason, affects daily life activities, and may be caused by a chemical imbalance. I tell my clients all the time, sadness is a natural emotion just like happiness and anger. Its something that will be felt throughout your lifetime and you can't run away from it. Everyone gets sad about something but all you can do is let the emotion run its course.

Got a new intake to do. I guess the best thing about my job is that I hear stories that are far worse than what I'm experiencing and it makes me grateful to be able to go home and feel safe and comforted.

DSM these nuts!

DSM-IV-TR: Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition, Text Revision.

The DSM is the bible for any professionals that work with people and human behavior. It's interesting, yesterday I was at a training and one of the presenters gave a quick blurb about social workers that empowered me and made me proud of my profession. He said, if you need a teeth pulled, you go to a dentist right? You see a specialist for whatever issue you have. He said, Social Workers specialize in Human Behavior. This made me think because I just assumed that people who go into social work already have a knack for reading people and observing their behaviors. I feel priveliged because my undergrad degree in Psychology, and my graduate degree in Social Work really has refined my abilities to sit back and observe a person, listen to them speak about themselves briefly, get a quick 411 on their family dynamics, and come with a diagnosis and treatment plan. As expected, this is extremely easy for me to do when I first meet a person, but I dont have that same capabilitie with long-time friends. First its unethical and second I'm competely biased.

In graduate school one of my classes [Psychopathology] required me to read and memorize the entire DSM. The DSM is 942 pages. Now mind you, my memory is not the best, but, if you are given a topic of interest, its not a task, its a pleasure. I actually ENJOYED reading the DSM and every now and then I take it off my bookshelve and skim the pages, reading all the disorders and symptoms. When I watch SVU and Dr Hong [I think that's his name] diagnoses one of the characters, I usually grab my DSM and verify that he has diagnosed it correctly. I really am a nerd. LOL.

So, I randomly opened my DSM and here is today's diagnosis for the day.

Dissociative Fugue: characterized by sudden, unexpected travel away from home or one's customary place of work, accompanied by an inability to recall one's past and confusion about personal identity or the assumption of a new identity.

Now tell me you arent just blown away by how interesting this is???

Its the American Way

I realized that I didnt infact have writers block, I just wasnt pissed off enough to feel a need to vent. Well today is a new day.

As any other typical weekend morning, I discussed aftercare plans with my client. Like any typical American that is addicted to drugs, she has no health insurance, has lost everything, and only has the support of one family member left. I handed her a flyer for CA meetings [Cocaine Anonymous] and invited her to come back to Detox for the evening meetings. Behind my client stands the nurse, whom shakes her head and says that the schedule is outdated and provided her with a phone number to call for a current meeting schedule. When the client leaves, the nurse proceeds to inform me that Apalachee Center, Inc has decided to do away with ALL meetings in Detox. Now let me tell you, I was in shock and disbelief. They gain and lose nothing by these meetings. The meetings are run by recovering addicts that do it for free. Detox is open 24 hours so it costs nothing to have people sit in a room and talk about their recovery. There justification for this decision is that they feel a person in Detox may not be ready for a meeting, and he or she should go see a therapist and after some time, the therapist will decide if they should go to meetings. I sat in amazement and disbelief. The typical Detox client does not have any means to see a therapist, if they did, they would already be in treatment. Granted there are meetings in other places, but now there is one less meeting. How can we offer support and hope to our clients if Apalachee keeps taking away FREE resources. There is no justification for this. It's like they are trying to keep them addicted, so they can come back and utilize a bed, and then they can get refunded by the state for it. Typical for social service agencies that have businessmen for CEO's and have no intention of trying to better society and its people.

Times like today validate my wishes to move to a socialist country.

I apologize

For not writing in my blog lately. I have had a major case of writer's block. Be patient, my creative juices will come pouring out soon.

Why some women go back to their abusers

(CNN) -- A middle-of-the-night fight, a surprise pullout from the Grammy Awards, leaked photos, a police investigation -- new pieces of the puzzle of the alleged assault of pop singer Rihanna by her boyfriend Chris Brown have been emerging since early February.


Singers Rihanna and Chris Brown, shown performing in December, are rumored to be back together.

Then, nearly three weeks after the alleged battery, the couple was reportedly together again. The reconciliation was reported just days before Brown's arraignment, which is expected Thursday in Los Angeles, California. Update: Chris Brown charged with two felonies

Brown, 19, has issued an apology for "what transpired" but neither he nor Rihanna, who just turned 21, has directly addressed the allegations.

Many would ask why anyone would return to an abusive partner after leaving, but therapists who treat both abusers and victims say it's common.

The effect is like a "pendulum of pain," said Steven Stosny, counselor and founder of the anger and violence management program CompassionPower, which treats people convicted of abuse in the home.

Abuse victims will "leave out of either fear, anger or resentment," he said. "But then, after the fear, anger or resentment begins to subside, they feel guilt, shame, anxiety, and that takes them back."

After a violent incident, there is often a "honeymoon period" during which the abuser may apologize profusely, give the victim gifts and persuade the victim to stay, experts say. But when that period is over, the abuser may once again become violent.

The reasons for returning to an abusive partner may relate to the days of early humans, who had to fend for themselves in the wild. The powerful psychological mechanisms that lead people to stay in abusive relationships may have developed for survival reasons, Stosny said.


"To leave an attachment relationship -- a relationship where there's an emotional bond -- meant certain death by starvation or saber-tooth tiger," he said.

Abuse happens in both low-income and high-income couples, said Joanna Snawder, who counsels students and community members at the Metropolitan State College of Denver in Colorado. A wealthy woman who has never worked may not want to change her lifestyle, while a poor woman may be financially dependent on her boyfriend or husband.

Regardless, women may not want to break off an abusive relationship because they are afraid to be independent, don't know how to take care of themselves or don't want to face shame from friends and family, she said.

Sometimes the abuser can get his partner to stay with him through manipulation, for instance, telling a woman that he will kill himself if she leaves him, said Mark Crawford, a clinical psychologist based in Roswell, Georgia. Crawford has seen many women stay in relationships because they couldn't bear the guilt of an outcome such as this.

"There are some women who need to be needed so badly they'll put up with anything," Crawford said. "Even if the guy beats the crap out of them, they just feel that responsible for the other person."

The term "the cycle of abuse" is often used to describe how coming from an abusive family is believed to make an individual more likely to be an abuser or to stay in an abusive relationship. "Unless we do a lot of psychological work, we often repeat family structures and dynamics that seem normal to us," Snawder said.

On the other hand, some people who grow up in abusive households do not repeat the behavior they saw at home, she said.

One student Snawder advises voluntarily went back to her abusive boyfriend after having a restraining order placed against him. They are together, but the man is assaulting the young woman again.

"It's really important that a woman reach out and get support from friends, family or a counselor who can help her see that she doesn't have to go back to that relationship," she said.


Men aren't always the abusers. There are relationships in which the woman is the abuser and the man is the victim, and all of the behavioral patterns happen in reverse. For instance, the woman makes the man feel like it's his fault for being beaten, Crawford said.

"Those men just don't have the sense of self to say 'This is not acceptable,'" he said.

Stosny's celebrity clients who have been abusive to their romantic partners may have been negatively affected by their rise to fame early in life, he said. They see themselves as above others, and feel they are entitled to punch someone whenever they feel like it.

"I had one professional basketball player who sexually assaulted a girl. He really in his heart didn't believe that she didn't want to have sex with him," Stosny said.

Can there ever be a happy ending for an abusive relationship? Experts agree that it's unusual, but a relationship in which a partner has been violent can become healthy again if, and only if, the abusive person seeks counseling to change his or her mindset.

"If you don't believe that you have a problem, and you believe the person drove you to it, you're going to have a really hard time seeing that you have a problem," Snawder said.

In practice, however, the victim usually just needs to move on to someone else, she said.

Generals share their experience with PTSD

WASHINGTON (CNN) -- Army generals aren't known for talking about their feelings.


Brig. Gen. Gary S. Patton says he wants the military to change the way it views post-traumatic stress disorder.

1 of 2 But two high-ranking officers are doing just that, hoping that by going public they can remove the stigma that many soldiers say keeps them from getting help for post-traumatic stress disorder.

Brig. General Gary S. Patton and Gen. Carter Ham have both sought counseling for the emotional trauma of their time in the Iraq war.

"One of our soldiers in that unit, Spec. Robert Unruh, took a gunshot wound to the torso, I was involved in medevacing him off the battlefield. And in a short period of time, he died before my eyes," Patton told CNN in an exclusive interview. "That's a memory [that] will stay with me the rest of my life."

Ham was the commander in Mosul when a suicide bomber blew up a mess tent. Twenty-two people died.

"The 21st of December, 2004, worst day of my life. Ever," Ham said. "To this day I still ask myself what should I have done differently, what could I have done as the commander responsible that would have perhaps saved the lives of those soldiers, sailors, civilians."

Both generals have been back from Iraq for years, but still deal with some of the symptoms of the stress they experienced.

"I felt like that what I was doing was not important because I had soldiers who were killed and a mission that had not yet been accomplished," Ham said. "It took a very amazingly supportive wife and in my case a great chaplain to kind of help me work my way through that."

Ham and his wife drove from Washington State to the District of Columbia right after he returned from combat.

"I probably said three words to her the whole way across the country. And it was 'Do you want to stop and get something to eat?' I mean, no discussion, no sharing of what happened," he explained.

Ham still can't talk to his wife about much of what he saw.

For Patton the stress hits him in the middle of the night.

"I've had sleep interruptions from loud noises. Of course there's no IEDs or rockets going off in my bedroom, but the brain has a funny way of remembering those things," Patton said. "Not only recreating the exact sound, but also the smell of the battlefield and the metallic taste you get in your mouth when you have that same incident on the battlefield."

Both acknowledge that in military circles, there is still a stigma attached to admitting mental health problems.

"If you go ask for help somehow you believe it or you might believe others think it of you, that you're somehow weak. That's wrong and intellectually we all know it's wrong, but it's still there. It's still palpable in some communities," Ham said.

Patton wants to see a change in the way post-traumatic stress disorder is viewed by the military.

"We need all our soldiers and leaders to approach mental health like we do physical health. No one would ever question or ever even hesitate in seeking a physician to take care of their broken limb or gunshot wound, or shrapnel or something of that order. You know, we need to take the same approach towards mental health," Patton said.

Having two generals talk publicly about their own battles with stress and how counseling helped should help remove some of that. Patton said he wants servicemen and women to know that they can come forward.

"Know absolutely that your chain of command and your leadership in the military at our highest levels recognize this issue and want to encourage our soldiers to seek out that mental health assistance," Patton said.

Ham agreed. "I think, frankly, I think I'm a better general because I got some help."

Hit Like a Man

Family Values

I enjoy Mondays. I like coming into my office and organzing my files, catching up with absentee clients, thinking of that weeks activity for session and group.. its fun to me and I really enjoy it. With every profession, there is always that one thing that we can do without if we had our choice. For me, its documentationg. I HATE DOCUMENTING. I really really really really hate it. Did I mention that.... I HATE IT??? It was music to my ears when my supervisor told me that with DV [dometic violence] victims, the less we write is better. Definitely the compelte opposite in child welfare where it was engrained in our brains: if you didnt write it down, it didnt happen.

So its Monday and to my left are a stack of files that need to be updated with notes. Its not so bad today.. I'm jamming to Pandora [the Jazmine Sullivan station specifically- now playing Jill Scott]. Im noticing a trend though... "DV counselor and client made associations between abuser and family upbringing."

What came first, the chicken or the egg?

During this afternoon's staff meeting, the therapist and I spoke about sexual assault and the high prevelence of sexaul assualt victims with mental health disorders. What came first? Were they violated first, then experienced mental health issues because of that; or did their mental illness cause them to be vulernable which in turn caused them to be victimized?

We started talking about our very first memory. My first memory is at age 4. I remember sitting in a stair case with my brothers watching my mom throw my father's belongings out the door and fighitng back and forth. I remember feeling scared because I had no idea what was going on. My next memory was living in DR [Dominican republic] and being around family. We decided that this immediate action -- being removed from that family left [bye bye to my life in New york] an being around family and feeling "safe" may have prevented me from acquiring any major issues surrounding abandonment and insecurity.

However, if that had not occured, what would be of my mental stability? As counselors, therapists, social workers, psychologists, etc etc, we have to be cognizant of the immense impact our family life has on us. If I was not removed from that situation, I probably would have grown up living in fear and uncertainty every time my mom and father fought. That leads to feeling out of control of my life, which leads to compensating as an adult-- doing anything I can to be IN control.

There is no perfect family and granted, there will be stressors and crisis in a child's life. That is inevitable and unavoidable. It's the immediate aftermath that makes all the difference. Do the parents believe the child was victimized? What actions does he or she take to keep them safe? Are the parents doing the victimization?

Its important to take a good look at your family life and be real with yourself of any unresolved issues you have. I compare a relationship to a car. Every part has to work correctly and has to function, otherwise, your likely to pay for it in the end and be stuck with a machine that will break down and not be dependable.

Dear sir, you SUCK

I must vent.

There is one specific psychiatrist at Detox that I absolutely despise. He is the head psychiatrist, but he is a croc of shit.

He does a disservice to our clients. He says all the clients are exaggerating their symptoms, he complains about doing psych evals, he berates the employs, orders us around like we are a part of his polgamy family. He is disrespectful to staff, to clients, to anyone that walks past him. I cannt stand this man and refuse to even speak to him. Everyone else calls it a "cultural difference". FUCK THAT. Not everyone from the middle east disrespects women and thinks that a penis means he is above all.

This agency serves the addicts of the 8 surrounding counties. We are the only psychiatric hospital in the 8 surrounding counties as well. NO ONE at this agency gets paid for how much we work. This agency doesn't have a very good reputation as well. HOWEVER, this is all obvious. It's not a surprise to anyone and my vendetta is this: why apply, interview, accept the position if you don't give a fuck? Go somewhere else. If you think you're better than everyone else, go somewhere else. LEAVE.

I'm sitting here typing this while he is with a client and all I want to do is yell at him and bitch at him and tell him to just QUIT. Go back to Israel or wherever the hell you came from. No one is forcing you to work at this agency and I'm sure since you think you're the shit, it wouldnt be problem to work anywhere else.

The worse part of it all? This psychiatrist has had SO MANY complaints against him, but NOTHING gets done. All he does is sign scripts and overmedicate the addicts.

Deep breath in.... slowly exhale out.....

Deep breath in...slowly exhale out....

Former addict gives homeless veterans a second chance

PALM BEACH, Florida (CNN) -- Following a faint trail through a dense patch of woods in Florida's Palm Beach County, Roy Foster is a man on a mission.

Roy Foster's facility, Stand Down House, has helped about 900 male veterans since 2000.

Foster, 53, is searching for homeless veterans -- and he knows where to look.
Whether in a vacant lot behind a supermarket or a small clearing off the highway, homeless vets aren't that hard to find: One in three homeless adults has served in the military, and more than 150,000 veterans nationwide are homeless on any given night, according to the Veterans Administration.

Working with the sheriff's homeless outreach unit, Foster finds vets camped in tents or makeshift lean-tos, where he delivers a message: There's help for you if you want it.
"For our heroes to be living in [these] conditions, it's totally unacceptable," said Foster.
Since 2000, approximately 900 veterans have found life-changing help at Foster's facility, Stand Down House. Named for the military command that gives troops time to rest after arduous duty, the program provides homeless male vets food, shelter and a safe place to recover, as well as the tools to conquer their personal problems.
"The idea is that they can relax now; we'll take care of them," Foster said.
Foster's motivation to help these men is personal: He used to be one of them.
Born in rural Georgia, he joined the Army right after high school. During his six years in the military, he began drinking and experimenting with drugs. He was an alcoholic by the time he left the Army in 1980, and his drinking and drug use escalated as he struggled to adjust to civilian life.
He spent the next decade battling his addictions, and at his lowest, he slept in flophouses or on the streets.
"I was pretty much out of control," Foster said. "I felt hopeless, helpless, ashamed and inadequate."
While struggling to get clean, Foster had difficulty finding a program that accepted veterans and provided the recovery services he needed, he said. The experience inspired him to design a program specifically for his brothers-in-arms.
"That's when the commitment in my heart was born," Foster said.

By the early 1990s, Foster settled into a life of sobriety, becoming a substance abuse counselor. Seeing that many vets continued to fall through the cracks, he joined forces with another vet, the late Don Reed, and established the nonprofit Faith*Hope*Love*Charity. After six years, Faith*Hope*Love*Charity created Stand Down House.
Now five buildings in total, Stand Down House provides transitional housing and support services to 45 veterans in different stages of recovery.
When vets arrive -- through referral by the Veterans Administration, which largely funds the program -- they receive meals, housing, clothing, counseling and transportation to the VA hospital for additional medical and mental health care.
After 30 to 60 days, eligible veterans must begin to look for work or attend school, but they can continue receiving housing, case management, addiction counseling and life skills classes for as long as two years. Successful veterans are eligible for the program's final component: permanent, sober-living housing.

The camaraderie the veterans find with each other at Stand Down House is another vital component of their recovery process.
"It was great to realize that other vets had been through similar experiences," said Matt Robinson, 28, who served in Iraq as a member of the U.S. Army National Guard.

With their past as a common bond, vets often become informal counselors to each other, helping one another stay on track.
"We have each others' backs," said Joey Elluzzi, a Vietnam veteran.
Many graduates find the companionship so valuable that they return as volunteers.
As of 2008, Stand Down House reported that 93 percent of its eligible residents found work and 84 percent of graduates went on to live independently. Foster and his staff are now working with other programs around the country, sharing what they've learned.
Despite his program's success, Foster said, there's more work to do. A new wave of veterans from Iraq and Afghanistan is appearing at Stand Down House, and Foster said he's determined to serve -- and save -- this next generation.
When asked why he does this, he simply answers, "It's my calling."

But for those Foster has helped, there's nothing simple about his achievements.
"If you could see the people when they come in here -- how they look, act and smell -- and then see them after, being a positive part of society, I don't know how you couldn't call Roy a hero," veteran Keith Coleman said. "Think of all the lives he's changed."

Just Do It

You never know how bad it was until something better comes along and shows you how it really should be done.

Last year I *thought* Pulse Staffing Agency had it together. They paid for my travel and lodging in Atlanta for my interview, they paid the $500 for my social care reigstration with GSCC [required registration for UK social workers. The entire process was supposed to take about 6 months.

Thankfully, [but I didnt see it at that time], they ruined things with the immigration office and were denied work permits.

Fast forward to a year later, I received my contract in e-mail with my current agency. There were three issues that I had, I was not going to budge, and I would have said No to London if those three issues weren't changed. Issue number one, my address was incorrect [ok this isnt a big deal I know], issue number two, it said my location was yet to be determined within Croydon. After doing my research and speaking to Londoner's i found on Craiglist, I was told to stay the heck away from North Croydon. North Croydon, among South, East, and Central, are one of the four locations they can put me in. At my interview I requested Central London, specifically, short term assessments. Basically, I do NOT want to do child protection services. I cant be with a family for years and see the same shit over and over again. I want to be in and out. So, I chose the equal of investigations. 45 days is max my case will be open. I will be first on scene after an abuse allegation, I'll determine if there is abuse, i'll determine what the services will be. I LOVE IT. Anyone that knows me and my work ethic, I NEED to be in charge. I hate having a boss over me, and if I do, I have havign a boss that micromanages every little thing. The way I see it, if I was hired for a job, LET ME DO MY DAMN JOB. I'm competent enough to ask for help if I need it, and if I dont ask for help, DONT HELP ME.

Ok back to the point. The contract stated that my location was to be determined, which means that they had not given me my preference in job type. The only place for the Assessments team is Central Croydon. If they send me to protective services, I can be placed in North or South Croydon. The third issue is that they put a statement about getting a car. I specifically stated in my interview I will not get a car. I am dead set on this because the first agency told us the same thing. One girl that is already in Herefordshire was told she had to get a car and is now paying a buttload of money to get one, learn how to drive there [remember, they are on the oppostie side of the road and its all stick].

I replied with the above issues, and I swear, within 20 minutes I had a revised contract in my inbox, with it stating that I will be working in Assessments, in Central Croydon, will not be required to get a car and will use the train [Tube, metro].

Their speed and organization is such a breath of fresh air and I am so extremely happy to work with this staffing agency. Reed is absolutely the best.

What I think is a barrier can also be a lifesaver. Two weeks ago my staffing rep told me that before I apply for my entry Visa, I need to show 3 months of consecutive funds equal or greater than $1200, to show that I can afford my first month in the UK before my pay comes. I had another crying attack because I JUST spent that amount of money on my car when it broke down. It seemed like I just couldnt get a break. I wanted to use my income tax to pay off my credit cards, but now I had to save it !! THANKFULLY, my return was more than $1200 and I now have that barrier crossed off the list. After thinking more, I decided that when my lease ends [June 15, 2009], if I am not in the UK yet, I am moving in with my brother in Tampa, will use this money I saved to help pay the bills for awhile and look for a job in Tampa. I feel suffocated in Tallahassee and hate every moment that I am here.

However, I will do everything I possibly can to be a social worker in Europe, I dont care what needs to happen, but I WILL get there and nothing will stop me from accomplishing my goal.

My lesson in all this: Do not question why something bad happens, why things wont go your way, why this, why that. God has a plan, trust Him. However, he will only give you the inner strength to get up and try again, but YOU have to go for what you want. Its ok to bitch and moan and cry, but after your self pity session, DO SOMETHING about it. Zip your lips and turn on the engine and get moving.

Oh my mantra!

I look through your eyes, in your heart, your soul
I can feel the pain that you go through permeating through my body
We sit at eye level, you the giver of your pain
Me, the receiver of your anguish
I can't explain why you have to live this life
But you are here now, and we will get through this together.

-mantra of a counselor.

Doctor, doctor

As I sat in the waiting room, I felt a mixture of calmness and nervous, a curiousity of what will be said and if any regrets will be thought of afterwards.

The hour went by extremely quickly. Not sure why when I do a session, the clock seems to never move; but when I'm the session, 60 minutes feels more like 5.

Have I really been talking for 60 minutes? About myself? I honestly don't think I've ever done that before. I'm not one to just start babbling about myself and it both annoys me and fascinates me when I meet a person where that is their one great talent.

"So your a social worker too? LCSW?" [Licensed Clinical Social Worker]

"No, MSW"

After the obligatory 'what school, what field, what agency' questions were out the way..

"So what brings you here today?"

The inevitable question... why am I here today? When I was asked by the receptionist what the problem was during my brain fart of "I think I should go to therapy" moment.. I didnt know how to answer... what is my problem? I dont really think I have a major one.. I'm educated, employed, financialy stable, smart, no health problems, no major drug addictions, no crazy relationship problems, a stable future.... what's the problem?

"I dont know really know.. "

Two weeks later [and two weeks ago from today], I'm sitting in an office, on a sofa, surrounded by stuff animals. I chuckled inside. The office was a combination of my office from Children's home society [stuff animals, child friendly zone] and my current office at Refuge House [sofa that has heard more stories and soaked with so many tears I'm surprised it doesnt smell like mildew]. So after the famous lines.. what brings you here today, why do you feel you need counseling..I decided to cut the crap, make the most of my co-pay, and blurt out "im getting flashbacks of my ex while in session with my clients, and it needs to stop."

Ok, so that was my problem. At least, that was the main reason I felt like I needed to talk to someone, and not a supervisor, but another social worker that was completely independent of my work, didnt know me at all [or at least i really hope she doesnt, its crazy how many people know about me in this community, it really surprises and shocks me]. Its extremely difficult to open up to a friend and spill my beans b/c all I can do is think "oh she has no idea. no clue whatsoever."

I really didnt expect to talk for the entire hour...Im surprised by how much I disclosed and how easily she was able to make associations between my actions presently and chapters of my life in the past.

In grad school, I heard over and over again, if you have never been to counseling, how can you identify with your client? Secretly, I was always scared of what would come out in therapy and if I really want to open that Pandora's box of crap that I try so hard to hide.

The process of growth and maturity is knowing when you have a problem and having enough humility to seek guidance and help. I tried ignoring the fact that as my clients spoke there would be quick nanoseconds of an image of my own experience, but when it happened for more than 2 weeks I knew I had to get some things off my chest. A surgeon can't operate on himself; I shouldn't expect to heal my own wounds.


Words of wisdom for the day from yours truly: we all have our issues and hangups but we cant keep blaming other people for our misfortunes. Be responsible for your mental stability and never give up on who you are. Surgeons may need surgery, a dentist may need a tooth pulled, a teacher always gets taught, a doctor always consults; counselors cant always be the gatekeeper of secrets without pouring out some of our own.

Marinate on that.

Untitled

It's difficult to begin a post about a subject that has been both a gift and a curse.
Those words, gift and a curse, has been the epitome of my last two weeks.

I wonder if its possible to be in love and keep the rationale part of your brain on at the same time. I'm surrounded by women involved in unhealthy relationships all day long. The women that I serve at work, and the women that are in my social circle.

I define what I do as a gift because I feel like I can spot an unhealthy relationship a mile away, in a span of 5 seconds. I can easily identify what the problems are and why they are occuring. I can easily figure out if its fixable or just a dead end. I can meet a guy, have one conversation with him, and make an educated decision if I want to continue this converation in the future.

It's also a curse when I see women in my social circle in an unhealthy relationships and that feeling returns, the "itch I cant scratch" feeling. I have to take deep breaths and remember my boundaries. I am there friend, their sister, their confidant; I am not their counselor. I cannot control who she sees and I cannot take off the rose colored glasses and show her the light.

I know the statistics. Just like addiction, one in four women at any given moment will be involved in a relationship where he hits her, threatens her, manipulates her, controls her.

How can she see she is being manipulated when she thinks she should "stick it out" and make it work? It is one of the most difficult things in the world to see someone close to me involved with a man that is abusive and manipulative. It's even more difficult when its not one ONE person, but everytime I turn around, one after the other of my female friends has a man that is just not good to her.

Why?

The word 'Grief' is synonomous to death, but the stages of Grief is not only applied to mourning the loss of a person/animal.

Personally, I am grieving the inability to use my body to its fullest potential.

In grad school, I took a Loss and Bereavement class. One of our many 15+ papers was to write a paper about.. loss and bereavement, any topic of choice.

At that time, I injured myself physically back to back. Started with a pulled hamstring, then excess fluid in my knee, then spraining my other knee when I fell skating. I was so depressed because I couldnt run anymore, I had to use a ghetto cane to walk, and it took about 15 minutes to go up and down my three flights of stairs. This was in the beginning of 2007.

When it came time to write this paper, I thought long and hard in my own life and tried to see what grief, beyond the grief of a death, I had encountered. Reviewing Kubler-Ross' stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance, I realized that I experienced every one of those stages when I couldnt run anymore, much less walk without limping and being in excruciating pain. Even sitting in class was painful. It was like bolts of electricity randomly being jolted into my knee and I would jump and flinch, and then get embarassed when my classmates would turn and look while I pretended to not know what they were looking at.

So, I used my own experience and decided if I was going to spend hours researching and putting this 20 page paper together, I might as well get some personal use out of it. I embarked on my research journey and decided to write my paper on sports injury and grief. Through my research, I realized that I needed to broaden it to just plain ol physical injury and grief. The two most prevalent was sports injury and combat injury.

It hadn't occured to me that another stressor for soldiers that served was the loss of limbs and the grief they were experiencing. They were once the warriors of our country, and now they are confined to two wheels that limit their abilities to freely do as they please like they once did. Whats worse is that some of these soldiers had to beg and plead with the VA to get proper medical treatment. Usually, they were just pumped with pain pills... which leads to addiction. So, now they are limbless and an addict. What does this remind you of? Ever notice the man sitting on the exit of Publix or Walmart with a homeless sign? or the cardboard handwritten note on the back of his wheelchair that says "vietnam vet" ? They got there by serving for our country, and our country makes it extremely difficult for them to try to lead a normal life afterwards.

Vets that come into detox all tell me the same story: "we have to make an appt with the VA two to three weeks in advance just to get evaluated. I need help NOW. I cannot wait that long." Once they have the appointment, it isnt even guaranteed that they can go into treatment. So why is signing up for the military a guarantee that they will serve for their country, but signing up for medical treatment and addiction treatment afterwards isnt? Its all a croc of shit in my opinion. Im persoanlly tired of begging and pleading with the social workers at the VA to provide something for these vets.

However, we at one point in time have seen a basketball or a football game, and rooted for our star player that got injured to heal quickly and get back out there. He may sit out for 2- 3 games, but sure enough he receives the BEST medical treatment and is playing again.

Where have we gone wrong? Where is the justice?

I'm too stubborn to stop running when my strict orders are the specifically stop running until I get my knee surgery. I refuse to let my body dictate what I can do and I feel like I can mentally control the healing of my body. Sounds crazy but I strongly believe in holistic healing. Why is it that I can utilize my insurance company for my surgery, or I can utilize my holistic healer [yes, I have a holistic healer- a hippie-esque woman that fascinates me.]. Why is that these famous players can utilize the best medical treatment out there for their injuries. But, why is it that men and women that serve for our country has to go through wits ends to get proper services from qualifed people??

It just doesnt make any sense.

It smells like love.

[This is an article I wrote for February 2009 edition of Theta News, the official newsletter for the Lambda Chapter of Theta Nu Xi Multicultural Sorority, Inc. at Florida State University. Visit the website at http://www.fsuthetawomen.com/. Donate money! We are tax deductable. ]


Why do we love the men that we love? Like an addiction, who we fall in love with feels like its beyond our control. In a sense, this is somewhat true. William Jankowiak of the University of Nevada, Las Vegas and Edward Fischer of Tulane University studied 166 cultures regarding love. How do we become initially attracted to someone? Have you ever seen ads for perfumes and body oils promoting pheromones-"the scent of attraction! make him yours in one sniff". The former is fact, the latter fiction. Women are more sensitive to pheromones than men, so he should wear cologne to enhance his pheromones, but if you do, it may not necessarily make much of a difference. The odors are emitted by one's major histocompatibility complex [MHC]. Remember MHC-more on this and how birth control affects your mate preference later. The MHC is a reflection of one's immune system and evolutionary speaking, we are attracted to immune systems opposite of ours.

MHC also shows clear differences for certain male body odors. "Different name, same man". During higher estrogen levels, a woman's preference for a dissimilar MHC is at its highest. So how does birth control affect your mate preference? The study found that women on birth control tend to pick men with similar MHC's as their own. If you fall in love with a man while on birth control, then get off it, chances are you'll be looking at him and wonder what attracted him to you in the first place.

Valentine's Day is approaching. For those in a relationship, its a reminder to evaluate your relationship and determine if this man is "evolutionary speaking" good for you. If you're on birth control, you may want to have a test run at it without all the hormones pumping through your body. If you're single and on BC, be weary of the men you pick during this period. You won't be on BC the rest of your life, and you dont necessarily want to make any life altering decisions with a man during this period.

Oh I need you bad..

"This place can't do nothing for me"
"I dont know why I keep coming back, but I'm back. Again"
"I really hope I can go back to who I was when I get discharged."
"Things will be different."
"Oh, I'm not gonna use anymore. Its different this time."


What does it take for an addict to stay sober?
Why cant' they just stop?

Using drugs and alcohol repeatedly over time alters brain chemistry and function.

When's the last time you said, "Hey brain chemistry, lets go ahead and reverse all the damage I've done. I'm done with this phase of my life." I dont know about you, but I've never heard the voice of brain chemistry to know what it sounds like.

Addiction is a brain disease, not a moral issue. Call him a drunk. But don't call him a lazy drunk. If you had cancer and it was in its final stages, do you think you'd be going to work everyday and have energy to eat right and excercise? Will anyone condemn you if you were no longer in remission and the cancer return? No. Addiction is a disease the same way cancer and diabetes is a disease. Have you ever been admitted to the hospital and not have insurance? A soror of mine had her appendix [sp?] removed and her hospital bill for THREE days was $30, 000. A treatment center is staffed with psychiatirst, social workers, nurses, mental health assistants, a board of directors, certified addiction therapists.. who can afford that? Addiction is a disease that tells you you don't have a disease. Why go to the ER if you think you're fine?

Addiction is a disease that impacts 1 in 4 familie. One in four? And I'm only talking about a drug addiction. One in four does not include addictions to porn, gambling, shopping, food.

Drugs and alcohol change the brain-- they change its structure and how it works. Addicts find it difficult to stop because their brain chemistry has changed. It usually takes 3-4 false starts to really begin a sober lifestyle. The brain is "plastic", it has a tremendous capacity to recover, but as we grow older we lose some of the plasticity of the brain necessary for recovery.

So what exactly do drugs to do the brain? It activates the same circuits as do behaviors linked to survival, such as eating, bonding, and sex. The drug causes a surge in levels of of a brain chemical called dopamine, which results in feelings of pleasure. The brain remembers this pelasure and wants it repeated. Dopamine is the reason why a chik-fi-la breakfast chicken bisquit tastes so damn good, why I love platanos, lasagna, and white chunk chocolote macadamia nut cookie. Dopamine is why roller coastesr are so much fun, why we love being around people that make us laugh. However, alcohol-crack- heroin- special k- crystal meth- coke- etc etc.. they lower you baseline dopamine so you now physically need it to even feel "normal".

The same way food, sex, water, is linked to survival in day to day living, drugs begin to take over and become more important in survival than those basic needs. Its no longer taken for pleasure, but for survival and the need to relieve distress. The drive is all that matters, control and choice and everything of that person's morals become compromised, the addiction has taken over, aka, the cancer has spread throughout the entire body. We feel grief for a cancer patient that is dying, we look down on addicts that are dying.

If addiction affects 1in 4, and I have 5 suscribers, to that one person: educate yourself, do not judge, and do not stop loving him or her. Recovery is possible, but being isolated by friends and family doesnt give them a reason to be sober. Support your family though thick and thin, but do not enable them. Words are priceless.

The above facts were taken from Addiction: HBO documentary. Here is the teaser: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zrutvEFwaFA

Another preview of the documentary:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UoIfSJJBh0E

Let Me Count the Ways

Why do I love counseling?
Let me count the ways
I love thee till the breadth and width of my knowledge
I love thee because I can see improvement, growth, and recovery
I love thee like I love cheddar cheese,
Too much can cause sickness, just enough, is fulfilling.
I love thee because I have control over what I do
You give me the flexibility to do my own research
Make my own modules, see who I want to see, when I want to see, and for how long.
I love thee because my heart fills with joy when you walk in my office and i see you smiling
I see your hair done, I see your clothes pressed, I see the aura about you.
Why do I love counseling?
Let me explain
I remember you coming into my office, depressed, at wits end, with no more rope left to hang on to
I love thee because you put all your strength into your recovery, and you see results
I love thee because i am making a purpose in your life, but I am not THE purpose of your life.
I love thee because you don't know how resilient you are and I can help you reach your fullest potential.
You make me happy to wake up
You fulfill my desire to heal wounds
You give me purpose.
I love thee because you are not my job, you are my life.
Through you, I have healed from my own pain
I have learned so much about myself, not by hearing, but by listening.
Through you, I have grown.
I am more confident
I am am fulfilled.
I love thee because I never thought I could do it
But you came into my life, changed me as a person, and left me feeling better than I have ever felt.

A Bay Bay

What people don't understand about being a social worker, is that we hear and see so much injustice, that it becomes numbing. There were a couple of times that I questioned God; why cant my foster baby be blessed with a loving family? why did this man go until age 40 before he tried his first drug, crack, and now he's lost it all? why was this woman given 4 abusive husbands, one that almost killed her? They all ask me, and I wish one day I could give them an answer.

But just when I think I've heard it all...if you're a social worker, I know you've said that too.. just when you think you've heard it all..

I've had the advantage of working at different agencies with different populations. I started in child welfare, transitioned to adult mental health, and currently working in addiction and family violence. If anyone is ever considering a field in social work, you have to start in child welfare, its almost like the "haze" of this profession. You learn SO much, but your treated like crap, you have to memorize a whole bunch of laws and policies, and you cry at least once. You come out smarter, with more confidence, and knowing that if you did THAT, you could do anything !

The difference with what I do now, and what I did in child welfare, is that what I hear is being said by an adult. In child welfare, I never counseled the children so i never brought that up, I left that for the therapist. Everythinng I knew was in court documents that I wrote over and over again, which allowed me to maintain my sanity.. for a while at least. If I had to hear from the 40+ children I had on my case load the abuse they endured everytime Isaw them, I wouldnt have survived it.

But, just when I heard it all, I hear my new client's story and I cried inside. Its been about 6 montsh since I've last felt sympathy for a client [sympathy: bad; empathy: good]. Hearing about the degradation she received as a child brought me all the way back to my last month doing child welfare when my spirit and faith were broken because of all the horrid things my children in my caseload endured. My spirit was broken not necessarily because of what happened at home, but because my agency did more damage than good most of the time. It felt extremely unethical to leave a child in a foster home worse than their own home. Its a feeling like your hands are tied behind your back and you have to scratch your nose so bad you feel like its gonna rip a whole in your skin.
Today, I participated in United Way's Advocate @ Lunch program that was created by United Way's For Young Leaders Only here in Tallahassee. FYLO is a network for young professionals in the area to network with other young professionals [and scope out sexy men in suits-- thats a great motivation!]. This month, we read to children at DickHowser learning center. Myself and this guy named Q, read to six four year olds and let me tell you, it was extremely refreshing to be around four year olds. They were inquisitive, friendly, funny, cute. It warmed my heart. After what I heard yesterday, I am glad I did this today to compensate.

Well I have writers block now, so this post wont get a quippy ending.

C=MD

C=MD.

One of the nurses at Detox today was discussing a client, an alcoholic, whom failed his bar exam, his wife is now divorcing him, and he is living back at home with his parents. His advice to him was: "TAKE IT AGAIN" Get off the pity boat, open the books again, and try again. The nurse gave him this quote: "C=MD". In medical school, all you need is a C to pass. [The validity of this is beyond me, I dont care enough to find out if it this is true or not].

This quick converation that is still occuring as I type this got me to thinking the resiliency levels that people have. Let me compare two clients. One is homeless, has been for a majority part of his life. He is in and out of detox the same way you and I are in and out of Publix. If you see him on the streets, you probably wouldnt even notice him because in your eyes, he is just another homeless man. Even now as I type this, one of the nurses was looking for his chart [that is sitting next to me, meaning, I should be working instead but when inspiration calls, I write]. Anyways, he is lookin for his chart and what comes out of his mouth? "OH Him again, let me guess, he's here for alcohol?" WELL DUH. Imagine if YOU were homeless, its freezing outside, you have no place to sleep, no family, no friends, and the only thing that can keep you from the daily reminders of your crappy existence is alcohol. The average person drinks when they had a hard day at work, because its friday, because its time to celebrate.. so many reasons. This man's reason is because he does not want to think, feel, KNOW that he fucked up somewhere. Yet, he smiles. Every time I see him, he smiles and he says Please and Thank You.

The other client? I dont know his entire life story but I bet, like we all do, that we are better than the homeless people that panhandle and sleep on the streets. However, this man's resiliency was so low that failing the bar exam caused such an upheavel in his life. When he told me he failed it, my internal reaction was, "SO WHAT? Take it again!!!!" But Ms. MSW used my 60k in loans education and used cognitive behavioral therapy to try to reframe his mode of thinking.

These two men are both alcoholics. They both come from such difference socioeconomic classes, one has a family, the other doesnt. However, homeless man gets my respect. Why? Because he doesn't allow the shitty life he was given to interfere with his ability to still respect people. He smiles, he is polite, he asks how your day is going, he values the human life. Whereas other people are too self absorbed to realize anything beyond what they see in the mirror.

Im going on tangent, I realized that, but its my blog so, so what?

I guess the theme of this post is: get over yourself. We all have our shitty moments, we all have our proud moments. But regardless of how crappy you think your life is, SMILE, say PLEASE and THANK YOU and never, ever, forget to be grateful for all that you do have.

Phineas who?

Phineas Gage. A name I have not heard of in a couple of years. All the psychology bumheads out there know exactly who this is.

Are accidents really just accidents, or can they serve some sort of life-altering purpose?

Mr. Gage had a freak accident at work, where a steel bar fell and went right through his frontal lobe [the front part of your brain]. Mr. Gage survived, but the tremendous personality change he experienced due to this accident led to studying the different parts of the brain and what exactly they affect. Through Phineas Gage's accident, it was discovered that the frontal lobe affects personality, aggression, empathy, basic social skills. Phineas went from being a loving family man to a raging aggressive man.

Terrible accident that added to the history of psychology.

Ok, so whats the point? I heard this name again today from a friend that is taking an intro psych class at FSU and it brought back such immense feelings, like hearing from a past love that you still kinda love but will never admit.

I love what I do, no doubt. I feel such satisfaction to see the women I serve re-collect themselves again after leaving their asshole husbands/boyfriends, [or to put it a bit more politically correct- I'm a domestic violence counselor].

However, I know I could not be such an amazing counselor without my background in psych. Sometimes I wish I would have continued with psych, but I know I was turned off to the entire field by a negative man in my life-- my accient.

Going back to where it all started... are accidents really "just accidents".

This time last year I got a job offer in Herefordshire, UK to be a social worker. Sounds amazing right??

One year later, I'm STILL in the US. It's like dangling that pipe in front of a crack heads face. Boy, did I go to mass one Sunday PISSED OFF. After 8 months of going through the disorganization of PULSE STAFFING AGENCY [yea I said it !!! ] I vented and bitched at God and finally accepted the fact that another year of my life would be in Tallahassee.

Just an accident? Really?

.... I got another job offer in the UK, but this time in London!! Everything in me is sayin Yes Yes Yes, this time, it will happen. But I'm keeping my mouth shut, not really telling many people about it [ironic that I'm blogging, but really, how many people will read this? Probably those that are close enough to me that already know I got the job].

So, my man Phinny.. he will never know what he gave to the world of psychology. He will always think he was shitted on by life to have a steel rod pierce his face and caused him to lose his family.

There are no accidents.