Autumn

Its a long time coming...

For the past five months I feel like I have been living in a fog. I operate mechanically without much thought or effort placed into my day. I go to work, struggle to maintain and sustain, then go home and eat, gym, and go to sleep.

My entire 20-something adulthood has been lived in the motto "the grass isnt always greener on the other side" yet I continually hop from one lawn to the next because from where I'm standing, that grass over there IS greener. I heard a saying from an old friend, "I live in the anticipation of the next best thing that when it comes, I can't enjoy it because I'm now anticipating what will come next and how to prepare for it". Is this something that is typical for being in your 20s? Personally, how will I ever know that my decisions are the right ones for my future?

I feel like I have been living in haze the past five months because of this weird country. I hate to sound like an "arrogant American" especially since I dont fully agree with the American way, but there is something comforting about knowing that the US has a checks and balances system for its social service district. The con is that a majority of the agencies I want to work for are non-profit so there isn't much money to be made; but the pro is that ever year, they must prove that their service is making a difference to the community in order to secure more funding. Doing social work for a Borough in London can feel pretty useless. I really don't feel like I am making a difference in anyone's life, in this society, in the children. I know as a social worker we are not supposed to work for instant gratification... our hard work may pay off years later... we are simply planting the seeds so that someone else can come and water it...however, I dont even feel like I'm planting any seeds which makes me feel useless as a social worker.

A typical person with a typical job has two identities: who they are at work, and who they are outside of work. He or she may work long hours but its usually to meet deadlines or for overtime pay. The helping profession is a bit different from a typical profession. As a social worker, I am ALWAYS on. I innately have a desire to heal, to reach a person's core, to help a person realize their potential... working in a "job" that doesn't allow me to use my skills as a helper is taking a toll on who I am as an individual. I walk around in a haze because I dont feel like I am doing anything consructive in London other than partying and travelling. When a person has lost its purpose in life, she has lost her vision for what life is really all about.

So, I cant help go back and forth between both sides of the fence, both sides of the "ocean". I can't help but always search for bigger and better, I just hope that when I attain it I can learn to stop and smell the roses (very cliche' saying I know).

I can only pray that I have been placed here for a purpose and the anxiety I feel about my life will soon cease.