Doctor, doctor

As I sat in the waiting room, I felt a mixture of calmness and nervous, a curiousity of what will be said and if any regrets will be thought of afterwards.

The hour went by extremely quickly. Not sure why when I do a session, the clock seems to never move; but when I'm the session, 60 minutes feels more like 5.

Have I really been talking for 60 minutes? About myself? I honestly don't think I've ever done that before. I'm not one to just start babbling about myself and it both annoys me and fascinates me when I meet a person where that is their one great talent.

"So your a social worker too? LCSW?" [Licensed Clinical Social Worker]

"No, MSW"

After the obligatory 'what school, what field, what agency' questions were out the way..

"So what brings you here today?"

The inevitable question... why am I here today? When I was asked by the receptionist what the problem was during my brain fart of "I think I should go to therapy" moment.. I didnt know how to answer... what is my problem? I dont really think I have a major one.. I'm educated, employed, financialy stable, smart, no health problems, no major drug addictions, no crazy relationship problems, a stable future.... what's the problem?

"I dont know really know.. "

Two weeks later [and two weeks ago from today], I'm sitting in an office, on a sofa, surrounded by stuff animals. I chuckled inside. The office was a combination of my office from Children's home society [stuff animals, child friendly zone] and my current office at Refuge House [sofa that has heard more stories and soaked with so many tears I'm surprised it doesnt smell like mildew]. So after the famous lines.. what brings you here today, why do you feel you need counseling..I decided to cut the crap, make the most of my co-pay, and blurt out "im getting flashbacks of my ex while in session with my clients, and it needs to stop."

Ok, so that was my problem. At least, that was the main reason I felt like I needed to talk to someone, and not a supervisor, but another social worker that was completely independent of my work, didnt know me at all [or at least i really hope she doesnt, its crazy how many people know about me in this community, it really surprises and shocks me]. Its extremely difficult to open up to a friend and spill my beans b/c all I can do is think "oh she has no idea. no clue whatsoever."

I really didnt expect to talk for the entire hour...Im surprised by how much I disclosed and how easily she was able to make associations between my actions presently and chapters of my life in the past.

In grad school, I heard over and over again, if you have never been to counseling, how can you identify with your client? Secretly, I was always scared of what would come out in therapy and if I really want to open that Pandora's box of crap that I try so hard to hide.

The process of growth and maturity is knowing when you have a problem and having enough humility to seek guidance and help. I tried ignoring the fact that as my clients spoke there would be quick nanoseconds of an image of my own experience, but when it happened for more than 2 weeks I knew I had to get some things off my chest. A surgeon can't operate on himself; I shouldn't expect to heal my own wounds.


Words of wisdom for the day from yours truly: we all have our issues and hangups but we cant keep blaming other people for our misfortunes. Be responsible for your mental stability and never give up on who you are. Surgeons may need surgery, a dentist may need a tooth pulled, a teacher always gets taught, a doctor always consults; counselors cant always be the gatekeeper of secrets without pouring out some of our own.

Marinate on that.