Full Circle

2010.. what can I say about you other than you have tested me repeatedly, beyond what I cared to be tested. There were no study guides available, there were no notifications that a test was coming. Shit, I didn’t even realize I was being tested until the aftermath. The problems with the tests of life is that there is no one to say if I passed or failed and if possible, can I re-take it?

2010…you started me off on a very rocky ledge. Within days of entering your year, my whole life was about to change when I found out I was expecting. However, for whatever reason, you changed your mind and no longer was I filled with life, but filled with confusion, sadness, regret. You tested my resilience. Did I pass? The verdict is still out on that one, but I think I did..

The next test was the test of Faith. I had nothing else to go on but Faith that I was not going to fall off that mountain in Morocco! I remember my heart beating in my throat, my palms grasping the edge of the mountain and my foot trying to find the sturdy rock to jump on. I can see Stacey, Chad, our guide, internally praying that I was not going to fall. I don’t know how I didn’t have a heart attack at that moment, I don’t know how the rock managed to not fall off the side of the mountain, but I managed to jump off it and land on two feet. Not only did that moment test my Faith, but it also reminded me to not take myself so seriously as I tripped and fell, going down the stairs shortly after! I was destined to fall, but I was destined to only fall as far as I can get back up.

2010…you then tested my Hope. I had no intention of only moving to London for a year and half, but as I have come to learn, the plans are not written by my hand. I just had to Hope and pray that returning back to the States was the best thing for my self-preservation and future. I’m still trying to decide if I made the right decision but I have not given up Hope that the decision was made with an open mind,

However, this blog is not about me now is it? Well not fully, this blog is about my professional self. Besides being tested personally, 2010, you have also tested me professionally. You tested my commitment to this field I entered called Social Work. You tested my commitment in more ways than one. Not only did I leave a country because the profession of Social Work was in the dirts in the UK, but you tested my advocacy towards the people. When asked, in a recent current employment in the States, if my loyalty is to the agency or the people they serve, (which they are supposed to be one and the same correct?) I could not go against my convictions and choose the agency. At one point a few months back I was ready to walk away from my profession, and now, I found myself sitting across from an incompetent Exec Director, making me choose between unethical practice or ethical practice. It was a no brainer. I chose my career over her business practice.

It is interesting how everything has managed to work itself out. 2010, this has surely been a year of growth, humility, strength, finding myself. I am a young 27 year old female with so much more to learn and experience. As many lessons as I have learned this year about myself, true friendship, love, career, family, I am not sad to see this year go. Its time to start a new leaf.

So, I have already begun working on my professional goals for 2011: LCSW. I have learned that I do not do well with incompetent authority figures, so I need to be my own boss, do my own thing, and work under individuals that are strong, determined, and dedicated to their profession as I am.

Autumn

Its a long time coming...

For the past five months I feel like I have been living in a fog. I operate mechanically without much thought or effort placed into my day. I go to work, struggle to maintain and sustain, then go home and eat, gym, and go to sleep.

My entire 20-something adulthood has been lived in the motto "the grass isnt always greener on the other side" yet I continually hop from one lawn to the next because from where I'm standing, that grass over there IS greener. I heard a saying from an old friend, "I live in the anticipation of the next best thing that when it comes, I can't enjoy it because I'm now anticipating what will come next and how to prepare for it". Is this something that is typical for being in your 20s? Personally, how will I ever know that my decisions are the right ones for my future?

I feel like I have been living in haze the past five months because of this weird country. I hate to sound like an "arrogant American" especially since I dont fully agree with the American way, but there is something comforting about knowing that the US has a checks and balances system for its social service district. The con is that a majority of the agencies I want to work for are non-profit so there isn't much money to be made; but the pro is that ever year, they must prove that their service is making a difference to the community in order to secure more funding. Doing social work for a Borough in London can feel pretty useless. I really don't feel like I am making a difference in anyone's life, in this society, in the children. I know as a social worker we are not supposed to work for instant gratification... our hard work may pay off years later... we are simply planting the seeds so that someone else can come and water it...however, I dont even feel like I'm planting any seeds which makes me feel useless as a social worker.

A typical person with a typical job has two identities: who they are at work, and who they are outside of work. He or she may work long hours but its usually to meet deadlines or for overtime pay. The helping profession is a bit different from a typical profession. As a social worker, I am ALWAYS on. I innately have a desire to heal, to reach a person's core, to help a person realize their potential... working in a "job" that doesn't allow me to use my skills as a helper is taking a toll on who I am as an individual. I walk around in a haze because I dont feel like I am doing anything consructive in London other than partying and travelling. When a person has lost its purpose in life, she has lost her vision for what life is really all about.

So, I cant help go back and forth between both sides of the fence, both sides of the "ocean". I can't help but always search for bigger and better, I just hope that when I attain it I can learn to stop and smell the roses (very cliche' saying I know).

I can only pray that I have been placed here for a purpose and the anxiety I feel about my life will soon cease.

The good, the bad, the ugly

My soror e-mailed me requesting me to let her know what I have found beneficial about living and working in the UK for a scholarship essay she is applying for to study in the UK. I thought it would be proper to post it here for anyone else curious. This is my email reply to her so please excuse any grammer.



That is such a hard question to answer because there are times that I ask myself that same question, why am I here? A lot of bad things have happened to me while I've been here: personally, professionally, financially. However, what I can say as being the best thing about living and working in the UK is that I have been removed from every familiar element from the last 26 yearsof my life, dropped in an island that might as well be speaking a different language, not know a single soul, and expect to fend for myself. The only good thing that can come out of that is some major soul searching, major humbling experiences, and being forced to do things I have never done in my entire life.

I wanted to move here after I studied abroad in 2005. That was a fantasy life b/c FSU's dorm is in Russell Square, basically the CENTER of London. NO ONE lives there that isnt rolling in family money so my perception of London was absolutely skewed. I thought, wow, what an amazing city!
Jump to 2009, I am actualyl living a part of London where "normal" folks reside, I have a real job, taxes being taken out.... the only way to SEE a country is to work in that country. Live where the people live, walk their shoes, shop where they shop. Working in the UK has taught me that America really is the top dog. Every single action I do here, I have to THINK.... Ok I'm at the cross walk, which way do i look? Ok, at the supermarket.. what do I buy? All these brands are forgeign to me. I'm ready to cook. Shit is in celsius. The measuring cups are in metric. Ok.. im going shopping, whats my size? Met some brits.. what the heck does that slang mean? Where do I go for this, for that? Damn everythign closes at 6pm in London and I just got my period and I live alone, now what? I came home from work and my front door is wide open and my place is trashed and all my electronics are gone.. what is the police number? Ok I got it, but they cant come till tomorrow??? Ok. they are here, now what? I cant carry a gun? I cant carry a knife? Really?? I'm stranded in central london, the train stations are closed till 6:30am and I only know 2 people with a car and one of them is not answering. What do I do? How do I get home?

Working in the UK is nothing special, its just like any job you would have back home. To answer your question, what have I found beneficial about living in another country? I've found that I'm not as strong as I thought I was. I only have myself to rely on. I have to be my own cheerleader when I find myself being my own worst enemy. I have to learn to trust complete strangers in order for them to become friends. After 2 bachelors, 1 masters degree, and plenty of work and life experience, none of that taught me how to become and adult because I always had a safety net. I had my family, friends, my car, even my familiar cities in Florida to catch me if I fell. Here, I have to pick my own ass up when I fall, dust it off, and keep on going.

On top of that, I have seen Tower Bridge, Buckingham Palace, Windsor Castle, the Stoneheges, the Roman Baths, Barcelona, next Prague. I have met and conversed with Italians, Swiss, Irish, Pakistans, French. I've seen Wicked, Mama Mia, the Lion King, Thriller Live. I was on a bridge in London at 2am, watching the skyline light up, one by one. I've shopped at Camden Market, Portobello Market, Brick Lane. I've seen in person paintings by Van Gogh, Picasso, Da Vinci. I've eaten the best Indian food of my life. I have a nice group of friends that I enjoy going out with and getting to know that I may not ordinarily have come across in Florida. I've seen and done so much in the short 4 months of being here that granted, life sucks at times, but life sucks at times while being in London.

Mama Mia

The nerve of a parent to decide they no longer wish to be parents! How, as a human being, do you have the audacity to change the locks on your child and inform social services you are through with him because he stole from you? Are you saying that money is worth more to you than the sanctuary of a child's LIFE? Where do you get off collecting benefits for having him, then not wanting to care for him? I'm sure you are the same type of woman that will sit there with your friends sipping tea and eating bisquits talking about how abortion is morally wrong, how the government sucks, how your children are the death of you. Getting an abortion inutero is no different than throwing your child into the streets before he is even old enough to drive a car. Your killing him. YOU are the one that is sending him straight to the drug dealers house for some goods to sell. YOU are the one that will scar him so bad he won't ever be able to form a healthy relationship with a woman, much less know how to be a father. As a woman, how can you sit there and calmly speak in the phone and tell me you are done with him and you dont care if you go to jail for it. Are you really picking prosecution for abandoning your child rather than family counseling to regroup? Who are you?? How can you call yourself a "good christian woman"?? I feel sorry for him to have a horrible woman has a mother because you obviously don't care about anything but yourself. I am embarassed that you are a mother, a woman, a minority woman at that. Children are not like old shoes. You can throw them away because they dont fit your style anymore, because they are cramping who you want to be. This is YOUR child, fuck, this is A child.

Unconditional love is the ONLY thing a child needs to make it in this world. If you can't give this to your own flesh and blood, you dont even deserve the title of MOTHER, you are simply put, a baby mamma.

Welcome Back

Its been a long time coming, I know.
There are many reasons why I havent graced this blog with my words for awhile. I've found that the easiest times for me to write is when I'm in love and when I feel there has been injustice towards others. Anything inbetween gets locked away in my mind to fester away while I go on with my business, trying to ignore the thoughts racing in my mind, hoping they will go away.

What has been going? Why did I stop writing?

It started with getting burglarized. I dont like to be or feel attached, especially to material items but I was highly attached to my laptop for more reasons than it was expensive. The departure of my laptop took with it what makes me me. My grad school papers, my music, my writings. WOW. I just remembered. I have so many poems and personal writings on that laptop. A piece of me was robbed along with my possessions and I went into a place of not really caring anymore. I stopped caring about my work, my personal life, myself. It took a lot in me to not pack up my bags and say F-U to Croydon and there backwards way of doing things.

Professionally, I stopped writing because things on this floor have calmed down substantially. A new group manager was hired for the sole purpose of turning things around in which she has done a fabulous job in doing so. I now feel safe working here, I feel that there is someone that actually cares about the decisions that we make and is genuinely a good manager. When things are going well there just isnt much to write, but, I will do a better job, professionally, in updating my blog in what I am learning here. One of my reasons for coming to London to begin with is to really learn the ins and outs of child welfare in this country, go back to the States and see about doing my PhD in child welfare, comparing and contrasting the States ways of doing things versus UK's ways, taking the good and bad of each one and submitting proposals to the States on how these agencies should be run for an effective and manageable agency. Sometimes I worry that being here might actually harm me professionally because they are so ass backwards in their ways. I was given a book to read on parenting assessments and the research behind it. In the States, any research older than 10 years is basically thrown out. Here? These books that have been published within the last 5 years still quote research done before I was even born. I worry that I will be re-trained to think like the British then go back to the States and not be up to date on research and findings. I may have to read these old books to understand where the UK social workers are coming from, concurrently with reading American research. But who's right? Why do I think that the American way is the right way just because I'm used to it ?


And my last reason for taking so long to update my blog is that I can only do it at work, which means I get interrupted 50 million times while writing one paragraph. SO I must end here because its 1pm and time for lunch.

Ill be back, I promise.

ET come home.

When things are unsettled at home, expect for your life to follow right behind it. I've learned that its nearly impossible to carry on a functional day if the home life isn't right. Aside from sightseeing in London, my days working in Croydon have been unbearable. Granted, I dont have any cases yet but the atmoshphere on this floor is thick from the moment the elevator doors open. For some strange reason I have the tendency to work in environments that are chaotic, and not on the clientele level but on a professional level. At Childrens Home Society supervisors lost touch on the amount of work and pressure on the case workers; in Apalachee the Detox unit was the ugly stepchild of the ward; with Florida Therapy Services having Medicaid be my employer was like doing community service hours for the devil; at Refuge House, I was the only Domestic Violence counselor and had about 40 women I counseled which limited the time I can see each one. Here at Croydon Council, I get the eyebrows raised, lips tighten, pity look from other departments when I hear Im in Assessments. It had only been 3 weeks and I absolutely dreaded going to work in the mornings-- and I hadn't even been given a caseload yet. Why was it so terrible? Its a shame to have essentially 85% of the social workers here warn me about management, see social workers in tears leaving a supervision meeting b/c of the degradation she just endured, hearing managers not support their social workers when a parent threatens to go to the media [media and papparazzi are HUGH in the UK and they will chew you up and spit you out quicker than when tasting anchovies for the first time]. One thing I HATE more than anthing in the world are people that are unjust [fits my field huh? I spent my entire adolescence fighting for my rights as a teenager to spend my entire adulthood fighting for the rights of others].

My mind was unsettled because even after work, I went home to a flat that wasnt' really "mine", and still living out of a suitcase. My routine back in Tally was work, dinner, gym, shower, watch tv, talk to the boys [my roomates] and go to sleep. Here in Croydon... its been work, dinner....then nothing...everything here closes at 5pm so I cant window shop or go to the mall [yes even the mall closes at 5pm] The streets are deserted by 6ish and since I dont know the area that well I just dont think its safe to even go for a walk when there are no other souls on the streets.

Finally, finally finally, I moved into MY flat on Wednesday [the one I mentioned previously] and miracously, I woke up on Thursday refreshed, a big smile on my face, and ready to take on the bullshit world of Assessments. Since moving in I have felt rested and ready. Today I was assigned 3 cases to work on and now that my home life is settled, I feel ready and prepared to tackle the many crisis my families think they can't handle on their own.

If you feel your life is unsettled, go home and see whats going on. Home is where the heart is and if your home is not feeling right, neither will your heart.

Terrible Twos

I see the face of innocence and know that this is why I'm here
I hear the anguish in carer's voice and realize that my presence is needed.
I forgot for a minute about the important things in life
Life is not meant to be easy
Life of a social worker was never guaranteed to be fair
I may not have asked for this calling but I chose this path that I'm on
And I chose this career that led me to this living room
The sadness that it is when a 2 year old has lived 2 years of hell
Is a reminder that I must be grateful for all that I have been given and all the love that I felt in my life
My purpose is not to bitch about management, my purpose is the feeling I feel when I look into the eyes of innocence and see nothing but pain.

Breathing Excercises

The best way to describe the differences between child welfare in the UK vs US is this: Our pros are their cons, and their cons are our pros.

I have been thrown in a department where cohesiveness and common sense are as foreign to them as to words chav and bloke are to americans. [BTW: Chav- a hoe, Bloke: a man]. As mentioned in my previous blog, there is only 1 manager with a permanent position and the rest are locum. Since they come and go as they please, they really dont have a sense of commitment or responsibility for the welfare of their team.

I am putting that aside however because granted, no social service agency is perfect, especially when it comes to management. The front line workers will always feel like management has no clue, and management will always feel like the front line workers have no clue. It is what it is.

What is alarming to me however, is how high the threshold for abuse is in this country. In the states, if I felt like a child was in immediate danger all I had to do was make a phone call to my supervisor, the attorney, and thats it. The child comes with me. Here? HELL NO. We leave the child in the home, try to persuade the manager to allow us to get a court date, get a court date that is weeks away, and ask permission to the parents if we can take their child in custody. Yes. You read it. We have to ASK THE PARENTS for every and anything. If they dont feel like they can benefit from our services, case closed. My jaw fell to the floor and shattered in pieces when I realized that everything here is about parental consent. I cannot speak, do, touch, see, hear, smell, feel nothing without the consent of the parent. As someone else said it, "we are their professional secretary." Its a croc of shit.

Now, there isnt much I can do about changing the law. As I said before, it is what it is. The reason that Croydon is like this is because there is such a large transient population that they kind of have to raise the threshold b/c if not, we'd have SO MANY children in care. We need to take cultural differences in mind when it comes to corporal punishment.

Put aside the management, put aside the law, the Assessments team is still in disarray. As I reviewed charts I kept reading assessments that made absolutely no sense for the safety and concern of the child. There are are blatant obvious reasons why a child is misbehaving but they havent seemed to make that connection. For example, Ill see two sentences in an assessment that goes like this: "The mother's new boyfriend is said to be physically and mentally abusive to the child. The child has been misbehaving in school and frequently runs away from home. The child states he doesnt not want to go home because his mother does not love him. The mother request for his behavior to improve otherwise she will place him in care" ..........

Let me take a real deep breath here because if I read one more assessment that has that kind of stupidity attached to it, I'm going to scream. It does not take a degree in SW to figure out WHY this child is misbehaving. Yet, the case plans all revolve around making the life for the parents easier. Lets diagnosis this child with antisocial behavior [the UK version of Oppositional Defiant Disorder]. Lets call the police on him when he doesnt come home. Lets put him in counselor. How about we open our eyes and use our common sense in figuring out that this boy doesnt want to go home because his mom's boyfriend is beating him. How about you take your own words and do something with it! I have read so many files that sound like the above and it seems like the obvious deduction of the child's behavior just goes over their heads because we cant piss the parents off. If the parents dont like our assesssment, time to rewrite it!

Another deep breath.


I have so much more to write but I'm starting to feel my blood boil right about now so Ill just save that for another day.

Organized Chaos

Introduction to Social Work is a class undergrad level students must take if they have any desires to continue in the tract of social work, at least at Florida State. In this class, we learned about the history and theories of social work and its home base being the United Kingdom and Europe area. With this basic knowledge, I was under the assumption that practicing this field in the UK would be much more advanced in its ideals and theories than the United States.

Give me a minute while I laugh my head off.

I feel like I have stepped into a time machine and went back 20 years. These people here have NO ORGANIZATION or any clue how to run a child welfare agency. As much as I bitch and complain about Florida's DCF and child protective service agencies, I must say that they know exactly what they are doing to keep children safe. Granted, its only because they need to secure more state funding, grants, and private donors, but at least there is some kind of organization and checks and balances in the system.

First example: In Florida, Child Protective Investigations is just one position. Someone in this position would receive a referral, go to the home in either 24-48 hours, conduct interviews, obtain collaterals, staff with their supervisor and/or attorney, then make a necessary outcome: close the case, transfer to protective services while remaining in the home, or transfer to protective services while [whilst as its stated here] removing the child.

In Croydon? There is a duty officer that makes the intial investigation. There was a time that they could do the investigation over the phone [HOW SO???] but now they are forced to actually go SEE the child and inteview the parents/school teachers/guidance counselors. If they feel they need an assessment, it goes to Child in Need [my team]. We [I] will have 7 days to do an assessment. If I feel like services need to be in place, I'll transfer it to another team that will provide the services. Seeing that I've done DCF in Florida, I can somewhat appreciate the division of responsibilities, but this also causes disorganization and is frankly a waste of time. There is a backlog of cases dating back to... OCTOBER! Yes, OCTOBER. Calls that have come in from October have yet to be investigated. The problem is that the retention in the Croydon staff is extremely hard, primarily because they have staff that are "Locum" which means that they are not permanent Croydon Council staff, but contracted agency staff that can pick up and leave whenever they want. In my team, only the Americans [2 from my group, 3 from the March hires,] 1 South African hire, and 1 supervisor are permanent staff. The rest of the supervisors [called Line Managers] and staff are Locum, which results in turnover to be extremely high.

Throughout the day the other American social workers from the March hire group came in to the office and gave us the nitty-gritty on what it will be like. This is not America, they said. Get that idea out of your head. You're say really won't matter too much because all you are doing is assessing the case, and passing it on to whomever will provide the services. Frankly, this is the reason WHY I chose assessments. I love my profession, I love children, I have an advocacy voice when it comes to abused children, but I cannot take my work home with me [mentally] and I want to leave at 5pm like any normal adult does. This specific team will allow me to do so in that once 5pm hits, I AM DONE.

This afternoon I sat in on a Refocus and Reform group where restructing of Croydon Council was discuss. They are very open to hearing how its done in America and I recommened that they ask us Americans to bring our organizational chart that we use to compare to the drafted organizational chart they are trying to create. I am pleased that she was very open and interested [and genuinely interested] in seeing how its done. She planned a meeting for Friday to speak with us Americans to get our feedback on what she presented and what we are used to back in the States.

Personally, it does not freak me out that there is so much disorganization. My way of thinking is that this is just an means to an end. This is my job, not my life, and I came here to Travel and enjoy the fruit of my labor as much as possible. In the meantime, if I can change and improve the structure of this council, so be it. If I cant, hey, I will at least have tried. Given the fact that all the managers are locum, it was said that once our 6 month probabtionary period is up and if we feel confident enough, we can apply for a manager position. I am not one to stay in a bottom position for too long and I will only stay with an agency long term if I can continue moving up the ranks. I am very pleased that I chose this team, despite the looks of the locals when I stated I am in assessments [the OH CRAP PLEASE DONT QUIT look].

Everything in life is about overcoming challenges and I am not one to back down on a challenge.

You Complete Me

"When you find the flat that is yours, it will feel like home." This morning I met up with an Italian guy that had a spare room in his house for share. He owns the home but rents out each bedroom and lives elsewhere. So far, there are three other girls sharing the house with one bathroom. Skeptical at first, not really wanting to live like I did in the dorms again but I gave it a chance. I had quickly changed my flat criteria from a 2 bedroom or a large one bedroom to a flatshare so I can enjoy the fruits of my works, have funds to travel and buy pretty things. Its a sacrifice I'm going to have to make but I'd rather be in cramped quarters which will force me to be out and about then living in a large 2 bedroom where I'm comfortable just staying at home.. because I know thats what will happen given my personality.. and given the fact that I'd spent a majority of my pay on my flat.

Mr. Italian man met me on the corner of the train station on his "scooter"... in my mind I imagined an actual scooter I see in the states.. no sir.. this was a motorcycle. He first gave me directions to get to the house and shook his said and said "just get on and we'll go together." Ummmmmm ...... hmmmm.... should I? He saw my hesitation and asked if I had ever riden a 'scooter' before.. I told him no. He asked where I was from, I repied Miami. "and you've never been on a scooter??'. I told him Miami is hot and we like AC cars. He flashed me his smile and said, "dont worry I wont let you scrape the ground." LOL ok.. so I hopped on and off we rode. WHAT A FEELING! My hair was blowing with the wind [thankfully, blowing away from my face], he was chatting up a storm, looking at ME while swerving in and out of lanes. It was such an exhilirating feeling. My next thought: I NEED A MOTORCYCLE!!!! LOL. Freedom and speed are my vices and I just found something that fulfilled both.

He showed me around the house which was nice. It wasnt a wow factor by any means but he definitely kept it up and the girls in the house did their share of cleaning and maintaining the garden. We went up to the second floor where he showed me the room I would be renting. Once again, it was nice, nothing too out of the ordinary. After a couple of minutes of talking he said he was working on a studio on the top floor. My eyes lit up and I asked to see it. We walked up the circular flight of stairs.. he opened the door... and I was home. The studio is GORGEOUS. Wooden floors, flat screen TV, DVD player, private bath, modern kitchen, open windown on the slanted roof, japanese style queen bed.... absolutely beautiful. As I was talking I looked out the window from the kitchen and saw St. Mary Magadelene Catholic Church. I had been looking for the church since I got here and always got lost. I told him I wanted this flat, not to post it up anywhere because it is mine. He gave me his kind smile, said he'll see what he can do and told me he like my "aura" and "presence" and would love to rent it to me. Im sure he was just flirting but WHO CARES!! He did the whole studio himself which is very very very impressive. As I left his house I walked into the church and wouldn't you know, mass was in progress. The choir was singing Ave Maria which is one of those songs that gives me goosebumps every time I hear it. I felt at peace. There is no better feeling than the feeling of being Home. Every since I arrived in England, I have felt at home and felt a sense of completenes. I have truly succeeded in life.

You're such a bitch

There once was a time that I had a filter in my mouth. Only good came out, negative stayed in. As I grew older both personally and professionally I have learned that only giving people good advice was cutting it short. To me, people do need to hear accolades when its due, but they also need to hear their shortfallings to avoid living a fake life. I dont necesarily know when this blunt-ness started in me. Maybe it was that crappy relationship.. maybe its from being a social worker.. I dont know. One of the things we social workers learn in graduate school is to never give advice to our clients; help them find their own way to awareness so it empowers them and strengthens them. What I have found is that since I spend all day biting my tounge, as soon as that work day is done I spend the rest of the day not holding anything back. If I really like you, I tell you all the time. If I think you are being an ass, I'll tell you. If I find a discrepency in your story, Ill point it out. If I know your lying and I can prove it, I will. I can't really control it until its out of my mouth and then I feel extremely guilty because I know I went too far. I dont know if I have burned any bridges in my friendships because people will never really tell me [or anyone for that matter I think] if something that was done hurt their feelings, even if I ask and I know I have. To be polite, they just say no everything is fine. But, isnt that impolite in itself? I think I may be too rash and blunt, but no one really tells me if what I said hurt them to know for a fact. Why is being honest, both with how much we love or like a person, to how much we hurt them or they hurt us something that humans just dont do anymore?

Resurrection

I've been sitting in front of my laptop for about 5 minutes wondering how I will star this blog...I should feel excited and nervous right? After all, I'm leaving everything familiar and moving to the unfamiliar. I'm starting from scratch from my friendships down to electronics.

I am comparing this departure to my last major departure: college. I was fine and dandy the entire time until the very last second when my family left my dorm and my little sister was balling. This time around, that little sister is in school, as we speak, taking an AP exam that last four hours.. Needless to say she won't be at the airport. Curse the brains of this family. Its both a gift and an inconvenience at times.

Excited? A very small somewhat on that one. I need to stay focused.. don't want to lose or miss something because my excitement has taken over the rationale part of my brain. Excitement is good, dont get me wrong. But excitement is emotions. I need to leave the emotions at the door and stay focused. I need to focus my energies on finding a permanent home, remembering all my co-workers names and titles, learning UK child welfare laws, being comfortable at my new job, and finally making my flat into a cozy home. Once I have all that down, then I will be excited. I am giving myself a month. I adapt very quickly, I am very resilient, and I learn a new job extremely fast so a month to adapt to my job and surroundings should suffice.

Am I nervous? I'm not nervous in the sense of how will they see me, but I'm nervous in that until everything is second nature to me, I will feel like I am not doing it right.

Today is the day where I will finally be on that plane going to London. This journey has been an extremely difficult process. I am so thankful to everyone that has helped me along the way. From my family that has helped with words and finances, to my sorors that have helped by getting me drunk and partying it up when I was feeling depressed about it.

Find me on skype: elenas310@yahoo.com
I'm also on twitter: wwww.twitter.com/elenas310

Until next time...

Internal Instincts

Sometimes I feel like my clients take me for a fool. Yes, I do not fall within their age bracket. Yes, my family life may not have been as horrendous as theirs. But I feel that I can use my common sense, education, and work and personal experience to filter out the bullshit and get to the root of the problem. I have two types of counseling "hats". The first are for clients that are still in denial. Denial is NOT a bad thing. Denial is a protective factor and is needed for people that would have a nervous breakdown if that denial mask was taken away. For my clients in denial, I very cautiously and carefully get their life story, their current problems, how they are coping. If this is the first time they have told their story, I might slowly take away one layer of denial, but i wont shatter their fantasy existence by saying "HEY IDIOT he's beating you" or "HELLO you are an addict, admit it". Of course this is what I say internally, not something I would EVER say outloud.

My next counseling cap is the straightforward-ness. I only use this after I've had a client for awhile I know this is what they need. I may also use this if I feel like this person may not come back. For example, a woman who doesnt see the big deal that her bf put a gun to her head may need me to be straightforward with her. She may need that denial mask ripped off immediately because her life is at stake.

What also baffles me are "normal" people. By "normal" people I mean people that are NOT my clients. They think that what I do for a living turns off once I leave work. I'm sorry to say, but I am a social worker 24/7 a week. There was a point that I hated this and I wanted to leave it at work, but i've learned to leave my CLIENTS at work, but unfortunately, my intuition and social worker eye will always be on. I see a woman with bruises. I know its defense bruises. I know what finger print bruises look like. I know what a slap in the back bruise looks like. I know what a "Clumsy bruise" looks like [coming from an expert in clumsiness]. Please dont sit there and tell me you are having problems with your man, and I ask you about bruises, and you stutter and stammer and tell me you are just clumsy. Get off it. But, I wont take off her denial hat. She may need it. I won't ever take someone's "Ah-Ha" moment away from them. The "ah-ha" moment is the moment your denial cap comes off and you see your relationship for what it is. You see your addiction for what it is. You see the mess that your life has been in for what it is. My job is not to give my client's their "ah-ha" moment, but to help them get there and to help them not loose too much of themselves in the process.

Knightly In Graphic Domestic Violence PSA

[I cant bring myself to watch this video yet but eventually I will]



http://www.news4jax.com/entertainment/19085893/detail.html/

Knightly In Graphic Domestic Violence PSA
Actress Speaks Up For U.K. Women's Aid Group

POSTED: Friday, April 3, 2009
UPDATED: 12:08 pm EDT April 3, 2009

British actress Keira Knightly is taking on domestic violence at home by participating in a graphic public service announcement.

The PSA, titled "Cut," is posted online (warning: violent content) and is playing on television and in theaters in the U.K. At the beginning of the two-minute film, Knightly appears as an actress who returns home to her apartment to find a blood-stained apartment with a shattered mirror.

A male co-star then appears with a bloodied hand, and just as Knightly looks into the camera and says, "Sorry, we didn't agree to that -- it wasn't in the script," he strikes her to the ground. The actor then proceeds to grab her by the hair and kick her in the stomach several times.

As the camera pulls back to reveal a movie set, the words appear on the screen, "Isn't it time someone called cut?"

The PSA was produced by the U.K. anti-domestic violence group Women's Aid.

"I wanted to take part in this advert for Women's Aid because while domestic violence exists in every section of society, we rarely hear about it," Knightly said in a statement on the group's site. "We may not think we know someone who has experienced domestic violence, but this does not mean that it is not happening. Domestic violence affects one in four women at some point in their lifetime and kills two women every week. Without the services provided by Women's Aid, many more women could be at risk of being killed, yet without donations the charity may not exist this time next year."

The 24-year-old actress also asks for donations to the group "to help save lives."

Knightly has starred in all three "Pirates of the Caribbean" films and the Best Picture nominee "Atonement." She also was nominated for a Best Actress Oscar for "Pride & Prejudice."

"Cut" was directed by "Atonement" and "Pride & Prejudice" filmmaker Joe Wright.

Women's Aid is a national domestic violence charity that co-ordinates and supports an England-wide network of over 500 local services working to end domestic violence against women and children.

Distributed by Internet Broadcasting. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.

http://www.cutmovie.co.uk/index_2.html

Mi Vida Loca

Yesterday morning I got a confirmation e-mail from my contacts abroad to begin making arrangements to arrive in London May 5th-6th. That date has always been on my mind, but it didn't dawn on me until I looked at my calendar that its four weeks away!! I am excited about being there, but then my mind went 5000 miles a minute: my car, my bills, selling my furniture, what should I keep, what should I sell, what should I throw away? Who should I tell, do I tell my family yet? What will they say? I told some friends. When should I give my notice at work? Is this a right decision? What about housing, I want to take my spices [have about 50 cooking spices but maybe I shouldnt] ahhh its so overwhelming, and exciting.

All I know is that I am ready to begin my life in London. I will still be a social worker, specifically in child welfare. My responsibility is the equivilant of child protective investigations in the states which is what I preferred. In and out in 45 days or less. No harboring families for months and years hoping they will change. No more let downs. No attachments. No ON CALL!!!!! They have a separate program that does on call which is beautiful. Once I leave work at 5pm, I am DONE.

My work permit is set for 3 years, with the option of re-applying when my contract ends. Of everyone I have met on community boards and chat rooms, all the Americans stayed and have been there for over 20 years. I can definitely see myself as a Briton. Living a lifestyle where my position is revered, there is culture, diversity, something diffrent to do everyday, easy chance of travel. I learned about myself that I crave consistency in a person, but need diversity in my life.

I am ready for this change. I feel like my Life in Europe will by my ADULT life and I am ready to put my college years behind me.

Peace of Mind

This is a great song that explains how a domestic violence relationship can make a person feel, its after effects, and the joy it is to have a loving man in your life. Please listen to the lyrics.

Dominican/Peruvian/American/Briton

In case anyone wonders why I want to live in the UK


- social reasons: it's a multi-cultural society, highly tolerant of all lifestyles and has low rates of crime.


- employment factors: low unemployment rate (still under 5%), high job turnover rate creating opportunities, typical work week of 35 hours, generous leave, statutory maternity and paternity benefits, 12 public holidays and good salaries.


- economic criteria: 4th largest economy, a strong currency, low inflation (3%), the world's most even distribution of wealth and surprisingly low taxes.


- cultural wants: cultural and historical activities and sites galore; international travel is cheap and easy.


- education needs: sophisticated world-leading education facilities; world famous universities; free state schools attended by over 90% of school-age children with the balance attending private schools.


- healthcare concerns: world-class free healthcare system available to all.


- welfare: a large welfare system to help you out if one of life's disasters befalls you.

Cry me a river

Sadness can take over and make a person forget about all the greatness that this world has to offer. If you think about it, the thing you are most sad about is usually the thing that is lacking the most in your life. For example, I know people that have the same degree of sadness but one person's reason is getting reprimanded at work, and the other person's reason is feeling underappreciated in a relationship. Person A [reprimand at work] may be more sensitive to this than to love because maybe his father was always telling him he wasn't good enough but his mother did damage control by loving him extra. He may become a workaholic not because he wants to make money, but because he overanalyzes every aspect of his duties and spends way too much time on one task to make sure its perfect. Person B [feeling underappreciated in a relationship] may be used to her parents telling her and showing her that they love her, but their attention may have been devoted to another sibling that was of special needs or was a trouble maker.

Sadness is emotionally and physically draining. But please, do not confuse sadness with depression. Sadness is caused by a known reason and its temporary. Its not a chemical imbalance. Depression on the other hand, is characterized by prolonged sadness for no known reason, affects daily life activities, and may be caused by a chemical imbalance. I tell my clients all the time, sadness is a natural emotion just like happiness and anger. Its something that will be felt throughout your lifetime and you can't run away from it. Everyone gets sad about something but all you can do is let the emotion run its course.

Got a new intake to do. I guess the best thing about my job is that I hear stories that are far worse than what I'm experiencing and it makes me grateful to be able to go home and feel safe and comforted.

DSM these nuts!

DSM-IV-TR: Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition, Text Revision.

The DSM is the bible for any professionals that work with people and human behavior. It's interesting, yesterday I was at a training and one of the presenters gave a quick blurb about social workers that empowered me and made me proud of my profession. He said, if you need a teeth pulled, you go to a dentist right? You see a specialist for whatever issue you have. He said, Social Workers specialize in Human Behavior. This made me think because I just assumed that people who go into social work already have a knack for reading people and observing their behaviors. I feel priveliged because my undergrad degree in Psychology, and my graduate degree in Social Work really has refined my abilities to sit back and observe a person, listen to them speak about themselves briefly, get a quick 411 on their family dynamics, and come with a diagnosis and treatment plan. As expected, this is extremely easy for me to do when I first meet a person, but I dont have that same capabilitie with long-time friends. First its unethical and second I'm competely biased.

In graduate school one of my classes [Psychopathology] required me to read and memorize the entire DSM. The DSM is 942 pages. Now mind you, my memory is not the best, but, if you are given a topic of interest, its not a task, its a pleasure. I actually ENJOYED reading the DSM and every now and then I take it off my bookshelve and skim the pages, reading all the disorders and symptoms. When I watch SVU and Dr Hong [I think that's his name] diagnoses one of the characters, I usually grab my DSM and verify that he has diagnosed it correctly. I really am a nerd. LOL.

So, I randomly opened my DSM and here is today's diagnosis for the day.

Dissociative Fugue: characterized by sudden, unexpected travel away from home or one's customary place of work, accompanied by an inability to recall one's past and confusion about personal identity or the assumption of a new identity.

Now tell me you arent just blown away by how interesting this is???

Its the American Way

I realized that I didnt infact have writers block, I just wasnt pissed off enough to feel a need to vent. Well today is a new day.

As any other typical weekend morning, I discussed aftercare plans with my client. Like any typical American that is addicted to drugs, she has no health insurance, has lost everything, and only has the support of one family member left. I handed her a flyer for CA meetings [Cocaine Anonymous] and invited her to come back to Detox for the evening meetings. Behind my client stands the nurse, whom shakes her head and says that the schedule is outdated and provided her with a phone number to call for a current meeting schedule. When the client leaves, the nurse proceeds to inform me that Apalachee Center, Inc has decided to do away with ALL meetings in Detox. Now let me tell you, I was in shock and disbelief. They gain and lose nothing by these meetings. The meetings are run by recovering addicts that do it for free. Detox is open 24 hours so it costs nothing to have people sit in a room and talk about their recovery. There justification for this decision is that they feel a person in Detox may not be ready for a meeting, and he or she should go see a therapist and after some time, the therapist will decide if they should go to meetings. I sat in amazement and disbelief. The typical Detox client does not have any means to see a therapist, if they did, they would already be in treatment. Granted there are meetings in other places, but now there is one less meeting. How can we offer support and hope to our clients if Apalachee keeps taking away FREE resources. There is no justification for this. It's like they are trying to keep them addicted, so they can come back and utilize a bed, and then they can get refunded by the state for it. Typical for social service agencies that have businessmen for CEO's and have no intention of trying to better society and its people.

Times like today validate my wishes to move to a socialist country.