Full Circle

2010.. what can I say about you other than you have tested me repeatedly, beyond what I cared to be tested. There were no study guides available, there were no notifications that a test was coming. Shit, I didn’t even realize I was being tested until the aftermath. The problems with the tests of life is that there is no one to say if I passed or failed and if possible, can I re-take it?

2010…you started me off on a very rocky ledge. Within days of entering your year, my whole life was about to change when I found out I was expecting. However, for whatever reason, you changed your mind and no longer was I filled with life, but filled with confusion, sadness, regret. You tested my resilience. Did I pass? The verdict is still out on that one, but I think I did..

The next test was the test of Faith. I had nothing else to go on but Faith that I was not going to fall off that mountain in Morocco! I remember my heart beating in my throat, my palms grasping the edge of the mountain and my foot trying to find the sturdy rock to jump on. I can see Stacey, Chad, our guide, internally praying that I was not going to fall. I don’t know how I didn’t have a heart attack at that moment, I don’t know how the rock managed to not fall off the side of the mountain, but I managed to jump off it and land on two feet. Not only did that moment test my Faith, but it also reminded me to not take myself so seriously as I tripped and fell, going down the stairs shortly after! I was destined to fall, but I was destined to only fall as far as I can get back up.

2010…you then tested my Hope. I had no intention of only moving to London for a year and half, but as I have come to learn, the plans are not written by my hand. I just had to Hope and pray that returning back to the States was the best thing for my self-preservation and future. I’m still trying to decide if I made the right decision but I have not given up Hope that the decision was made with an open mind,

However, this blog is not about me now is it? Well not fully, this blog is about my professional self. Besides being tested personally, 2010, you have also tested me professionally. You tested my commitment to this field I entered called Social Work. You tested my commitment in more ways than one. Not only did I leave a country because the profession of Social Work was in the dirts in the UK, but you tested my advocacy towards the people. When asked, in a recent current employment in the States, if my loyalty is to the agency or the people they serve, (which they are supposed to be one and the same correct?) I could not go against my convictions and choose the agency. At one point a few months back I was ready to walk away from my profession, and now, I found myself sitting across from an incompetent Exec Director, making me choose between unethical practice or ethical practice. It was a no brainer. I chose my career over her business practice.

It is interesting how everything has managed to work itself out. 2010, this has surely been a year of growth, humility, strength, finding myself. I am a young 27 year old female with so much more to learn and experience. As many lessons as I have learned this year about myself, true friendship, love, career, family, I am not sad to see this year go. Its time to start a new leaf.

So, I have already begun working on my professional goals for 2011: LCSW. I have learned that I do not do well with incompetent authority figures, so I need to be my own boss, do my own thing, and work under individuals that are strong, determined, and dedicated to their profession as I am.

Autumn

Its a long time coming...

For the past five months I feel like I have been living in a fog. I operate mechanically without much thought or effort placed into my day. I go to work, struggle to maintain and sustain, then go home and eat, gym, and go to sleep.

My entire 20-something adulthood has been lived in the motto "the grass isnt always greener on the other side" yet I continually hop from one lawn to the next because from where I'm standing, that grass over there IS greener. I heard a saying from an old friend, "I live in the anticipation of the next best thing that when it comes, I can't enjoy it because I'm now anticipating what will come next and how to prepare for it". Is this something that is typical for being in your 20s? Personally, how will I ever know that my decisions are the right ones for my future?

I feel like I have been living in haze the past five months because of this weird country. I hate to sound like an "arrogant American" especially since I dont fully agree with the American way, but there is something comforting about knowing that the US has a checks and balances system for its social service district. The con is that a majority of the agencies I want to work for are non-profit so there isn't much money to be made; but the pro is that ever year, they must prove that their service is making a difference to the community in order to secure more funding. Doing social work for a Borough in London can feel pretty useless. I really don't feel like I am making a difference in anyone's life, in this society, in the children. I know as a social worker we are not supposed to work for instant gratification... our hard work may pay off years later... we are simply planting the seeds so that someone else can come and water it...however, I dont even feel like I'm planting any seeds which makes me feel useless as a social worker.

A typical person with a typical job has two identities: who they are at work, and who they are outside of work. He or she may work long hours but its usually to meet deadlines or for overtime pay. The helping profession is a bit different from a typical profession. As a social worker, I am ALWAYS on. I innately have a desire to heal, to reach a person's core, to help a person realize their potential... working in a "job" that doesn't allow me to use my skills as a helper is taking a toll on who I am as an individual. I walk around in a haze because I dont feel like I am doing anything consructive in London other than partying and travelling. When a person has lost its purpose in life, she has lost her vision for what life is really all about.

So, I cant help go back and forth between both sides of the fence, both sides of the "ocean". I can't help but always search for bigger and better, I just hope that when I attain it I can learn to stop and smell the roses (very cliche' saying I know).

I can only pray that I have been placed here for a purpose and the anxiety I feel about my life will soon cease.

The good, the bad, the ugly

My soror e-mailed me requesting me to let her know what I have found beneficial about living and working in the UK for a scholarship essay she is applying for to study in the UK. I thought it would be proper to post it here for anyone else curious. This is my email reply to her so please excuse any grammer.



That is such a hard question to answer because there are times that I ask myself that same question, why am I here? A lot of bad things have happened to me while I've been here: personally, professionally, financially. However, what I can say as being the best thing about living and working in the UK is that I have been removed from every familiar element from the last 26 yearsof my life, dropped in an island that might as well be speaking a different language, not know a single soul, and expect to fend for myself. The only good thing that can come out of that is some major soul searching, major humbling experiences, and being forced to do things I have never done in my entire life.

I wanted to move here after I studied abroad in 2005. That was a fantasy life b/c FSU's dorm is in Russell Square, basically the CENTER of London. NO ONE lives there that isnt rolling in family money so my perception of London was absolutely skewed. I thought, wow, what an amazing city!
Jump to 2009, I am actualyl living a part of London where "normal" folks reside, I have a real job, taxes being taken out.... the only way to SEE a country is to work in that country. Live where the people live, walk their shoes, shop where they shop. Working in the UK has taught me that America really is the top dog. Every single action I do here, I have to THINK.... Ok I'm at the cross walk, which way do i look? Ok, at the supermarket.. what do I buy? All these brands are forgeign to me. I'm ready to cook. Shit is in celsius. The measuring cups are in metric. Ok.. im going shopping, whats my size? Met some brits.. what the heck does that slang mean? Where do I go for this, for that? Damn everythign closes at 6pm in London and I just got my period and I live alone, now what? I came home from work and my front door is wide open and my place is trashed and all my electronics are gone.. what is the police number? Ok I got it, but they cant come till tomorrow??? Ok. they are here, now what? I cant carry a gun? I cant carry a knife? Really?? I'm stranded in central london, the train stations are closed till 6:30am and I only know 2 people with a car and one of them is not answering. What do I do? How do I get home?

Working in the UK is nothing special, its just like any job you would have back home. To answer your question, what have I found beneficial about living in another country? I've found that I'm not as strong as I thought I was. I only have myself to rely on. I have to be my own cheerleader when I find myself being my own worst enemy. I have to learn to trust complete strangers in order for them to become friends. After 2 bachelors, 1 masters degree, and plenty of work and life experience, none of that taught me how to become and adult because I always had a safety net. I had my family, friends, my car, even my familiar cities in Florida to catch me if I fell. Here, I have to pick my own ass up when I fall, dust it off, and keep on going.

On top of that, I have seen Tower Bridge, Buckingham Palace, Windsor Castle, the Stoneheges, the Roman Baths, Barcelona, next Prague. I have met and conversed with Italians, Swiss, Irish, Pakistans, French. I've seen Wicked, Mama Mia, the Lion King, Thriller Live. I was on a bridge in London at 2am, watching the skyline light up, one by one. I've shopped at Camden Market, Portobello Market, Brick Lane. I've seen in person paintings by Van Gogh, Picasso, Da Vinci. I've eaten the best Indian food of my life. I have a nice group of friends that I enjoy going out with and getting to know that I may not ordinarily have come across in Florida. I've seen and done so much in the short 4 months of being here that granted, life sucks at times, but life sucks at times while being in London.

Mama Mia

The nerve of a parent to decide they no longer wish to be parents! How, as a human being, do you have the audacity to change the locks on your child and inform social services you are through with him because he stole from you? Are you saying that money is worth more to you than the sanctuary of a child's LIFE? Where do you get off collecting benefits for having him, then not wanting to care for him? I'm sure you are the same type of woman that will sit there with your friends sipping tea and eating bisquits talking about how abortion is morally wrong, how the government sucks, how your children are the death of you. Getting an abortion inutero is no different than throwing your child into the streets before he is even old enough to drive a car. Your killing him. YOU are the one that is sending him straight to the drug dealers house for some goods to sell. YOU are the one that will scar him so bad he won't ever be able to form a healthy relationship with a woman, much less know how to be a father. As a woman, how can you sit there and calmly speak in the phone and tell me you are done with him and you dont care if you go to jail for it. Are you really picking prosecution for abandoning your child rather than family counseling to regroup? Who are you?? How can you call yourself a "good christian woman"?? I feel sorry for him to have a horrible woman has a mother because you obviously don't care about anything but yourself. I am embarassed that you are a mother, a woman, a minority woman at that. Children are not like old shoes. You can throw them away because they dont fit your style anymore, because they are cramping who you want to be. This is YOUR child, fuck, this is A child.

Unconditional love is the ONLY thing a child needs to make it in this world. If you can't give this to your own flesh and blood, you dont even deserve the title of MOTHER, you are simply put, a baby mamma.

Welcome Back

Its been a long time coming, I know.
There are many reasons why I havent graced this blog with my words for awhile. I've found that the easiest times for me to write is when I'm in love and when I feel there has been injustice towards others. Anything inbetween gets locked away in my mind to fester away while I go on with my business, trying to ignore the thoughts racing in my mind, hoping they will go away.

What has been going? Why did I stop writing?

It started with getting burglarized. I dont like to be or feel attached, especially to material items but I was highly attached to my laptop for more reasons than it was expensive. The departure of my laptop took with it what makes me me. My grad school papers, my music, my writings. WOW. I just remembered. I have so many poems and personal writings on that laptop. A piece of me was robbed along with my possessions and I went into a place of not really caring anymore. I stopped caring about my work, my personal life, myself. It took a lot in me to not pack up my bags and say F-U to Croydon and there backwards way of doing things.

Professionally, I stopped writing because things on this floor have calmed down substantially. A new group manager was hired for the sole purpose of turning things around in which she has done a fabulous job in doing so. I now feel safe working here, I feel that there is someone that actually cares about the decisions that we make and is genuinely a good manager. When things are going well there just isnt much to write, but, I will do a better job, professionally, in updating my blog in what I am learning here. One of my reasons for coming to London to begin with is to really learn the ins and outs of child welfare in this country, go back to the States and see about doing my PhD in child welfare, comparing and contrasting the States ways of doing things versus UK's ways, taking the good and bad of each one and submitting proposals to the States on how these agencies should be run for an effective and manageable agency. Sometimes I worry that being here might actually harm me professionally because they are so ass backwards in their ways. I was given a book to read on parenting assessments and the research behind it. In the States, any research older than 10 years is basically thrown out. Here? These books that have been published within the last 5 years still quote research done before I was even born. I worry that I will be re-trained to think like the British then go back to the States and not be up to date on research and findings. I may have to read these old books to understand where the UK social workers are coming from, concurrently with reading American research. But who's right? Why do I think that the American way is the right way just because I'm used to it ?


And my last reason for taking so long to update my blog is that I can only do it at work, which means I get interrupted 50 million times while writing one paragraph. SO I must end here because its 1pm and time for lunch.

Ill be back, I promise.

ET come home.

When things are unsettled at home, expect for your life to follow right behind it. I've learned that its nearly impossible to carry on a functional day if the home life isn't right. Aside from sightseeing in London, my days working in Croydon have been unbearable. Granted, I dont have any cases yet but the atmoshphere on this floor is thick from the moment the elevator doors open. For some strange reason I have the tendency to work in environments that are chaotic, and not on the clientele level but on a professional level. At Childrens Home Society supervisors lost touch on the amount of work and pressure on the case workers; in Apalachee the Detox unit was the ugly stepchild of the ward; with Florida Therapy Services having Medicaid be my employer was like doing community service hours for the devil; at Refuge House, I was the only Domestic Violence counselor and had about 40 women I counseled which limited the time I can see each one. Here at Croydon Council, I get the eyebrows raised, lips tighten, pity look from other departments when I hear Im in Assessments. It had only been 3 weeks and I absolutely dreaded going to work in the mornings-- and I hadn't even been given a caseload yet. Why was it so terrible? Its a shame to have essentially 85% of the social workers here warn me about management, see social workers in tears leaving a supervision meeting b/c of the degradation she just endured, hearing managers not support their social workers when a parent threatens to go to the media [media and papparazzi are HUGH in the UK and they will chew you up and spit you out quicker than when tasting anchovies for the first time]. One thing I HATE more than anthing in the world are people that are unjust [fits my field huh? I spent my entire adolescence fighting for my rights as a teenager to spend my entire adulthood fighting for the rights of others].

My mind was unsettled because even after work, I went home to a flat that wasnt' really "mine", and still living out of a suitcase. My routine back in Tally was work, dinner, gym, shower, watch tv, talk to the boys [my roomates] and go to sleep. Here in Croydon... its been work, dinner....then nothing...everything here closes at 5pm so I cant window shop or go to the mall [yes even the mall closes at 5pm] The streets are deserted by 6ish and since I dont know the area that well I just dont think its safe to even go for a walk when there are no other souls on the streets.

Finally, finally finally, I moved into MY flat on Wednesday [the one I mentioned previously] and miracously, I woke up on Thursday refreshed, a big smile on my face, and ready to take on the bullshit world of Assessments. Since moving in I have felt rested and ready. Today I was assigned 3 cases to work on and now that my home life is settled, I feel ready and prepared to tackle the many crisis my families think they can't handle on their own.

If you feel your life is unsettled, go home and see whats going on. Home is where the heart is and if your home is not feeling right, neither will your heart.

Terrible Twos

I see the face of innocence and know that this is why I'm here
I hear the anguish in carer's voice and realize that my presence is needed.
I forgot for a minute about the important things in life
Life is not meant to be easy
Life of a social worker was never guaranteed to be fair
I may not have asked for this calling but I chose this path that I'm on
And I chose this career that led me to this living room
The sadness that it is when a 2 year old has lived 2 years of hell
Is a reminder that I must be grateful for all that I have been given and all the love that I felt in my life
My purpose is not to bitch about management, my purpose is the feeling I feel when I look into the eyes of innocence and see nothing but pain.